Welcome to The Civilian

The Civilian isn't just news. It's news on the internet.

The Civilian isn’t just news. It’s news on the internet.

Good evening, children. My name is Ben Uffindell, and I was once the Vice Chancellor of the University of Canterbury. I involuntarily relinquished that position two years ago following an unfortunate incident involving a panda. If you’re interested in learning more about this incident, a link to the relevant press conference can be found here.

Following my unfortunate and entirely unjust dismissal from that post, I returned to a secluded life with my wife Clapaplapeau and my beautiful daughter Graham. She’s six now. It’s wonderful. But like all good things, that too, had to come to an end. My wife, extremely displeased that I had permanently tarnished the reputation of both the university and our family, left me for a man of considerably improved dimensions. Graham, too, was lost to me, as the court determined that I was not fit to take care of her, or, for that matter, myself. It was then that I was admitted to what we will henceforth refer to as hospital.

After being discharged from the hospital, I spent a significant portion of the next year living in conditions that no human being should ever have to admit to having lived in. So I won’t.

Several months ago, however, I came upon a small, promising but possibly illegal business venture that allowed me to accrue enough funds to return to life in a moderately well equipped apartment building in the heart of our nation’s cultural capital, Greymouth. It was from here that I decided to spite my wife by doing the one thing she told me that I could never do: start a newspaper.

The inspiration for said newspaper came one afternoon as I was sitting in my apartment watching popular television show The News. Did you know the news is watched by more than one million people every week? That makes it one of the most watched television programmes in all of New Zealand, only slightly behind such favourites as Border Security and that one with Alison Mau. And I was thinking on this as I watched it, and I suddenly realised “Wait, why doesn’t anyone put the news on the internet?”

It was that idea that gave birth to The Civilian, and it is that idea that is at the very heart of it today.

The Civilian is not just a newspaper. It is a newspaper on the internet.

It is here that you will find the news in a format that you are unlikely to have ever seen it before: online. And so I encourage you, and all those who believe in the common decency of me, to read and share what you find here, to tweet it and like it on Facebook. Together, I believe that we can better inform the public and, much more importantly, make this newspaper New Zealand’s pre-eminent source of news.

So with open arms and a questionable ulterior motive, I welcome you to The Civilian. Please, enjoy your stay.



Editor: Ben Uffindell

Writers: Ben Uffindell, Sebastian Boyle

Website: Sarah Chrisp