At yesterday’s post-cabinet press conference, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, flanked by his Health Minister Shane Reti and someone we can’t independently verify was a real sign language interpreter, announced that he had some positive news for the country.

“Alright team, I’m just going to hand over to uh, Dr. Shane, because I think he’s got something actually pretty good to tell you,” he chirped.

Reti nodded in acknowledgment, before silently shuffling through the papers on his podium.

30 seconds passed, and Reti continued to shuffle.

“Isn’t he good, aye?” said Luxon, smiling, mouth agape, in the direction of his minister.

“Right, uhm, health minister,” nodded Reti, finally.

“So, as we’ve been discussing the last few months, the health system is under a tremendous amount of pressure. We know there are persistent and long-term issues affecting both our staff on the front line, and those in immediate need of care.

“We hear those concerns, and we hear those people. I hear them. I hear them all the time. For example, when I walk past the emergency ward, I hear their screaming. And I think to myself, ‘surely we could get some panadol in there.’

“But I digress. Today, I actually have good news.”

Reti said that according to data collected during the course of this year – and some anecdotal evidence – the quality of healthcare in the majority of regions across the country was improving, in some cases rapidly.

“We can see this thanks to the implementation of new measures to analyse health sector performance,” he explained. “Previously, governments have used subjective measures to determine the quality of New Zealand’s healthcare, such as asking patients how they’d rate their care. This is a bit like asking people what the best pie is: it’s plain mince, but sometimes people say something else.

“So we’ve decided to use more objective data, in this case, demand. Demand is a great way to measure the desire for a product or service, and therefore its quality.

“And as we can see,” said Reti, pointing at a graph on the theatrette projector, “demand is through the roof.”

Reti said demand was being seen across the whole country, with reports of people in Ōtara queuing up in parking lots at 5am to see a doctor.

Reti began flicking through slides showing pictures of people queuing outside health clinics, some wrapped in blankets and on camping chairs, as the sun rose in the background.

“A bit like the iPhone, aye?” interjected Luxon.

“Yeah,” replied Reti, hesitating for a moment, then repeating “Yeah.”

Asked why so many of those seen queuing were from poor and disadvantaged communities, Reti explained that Māori and Pacific peoples like healthcare the most.

“They quite literally can’t seem to get enough,” he said.