The Civilian

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698 stories · 2013–2026

2026 26 stories

  1. Electoral Commission urged to release results in more exciting order
  2. Nation reconsidering whether we should have Laws at all
  3. Luxon somehow loses US midterm elections
  4. Tensions flare as Labour seeks to win back Green votes by backing rival gang
  5. Independent family-owned supermarkets independently suffer identical independent pricing faults
  6. Did you know you can save money at New World by not making eye contact with the digital price tag? And other useful shopping tips!
  7. Opinion: I don’t know how to be any more clear. No, really, I don’t. Please help
  8. Wallabies poised to complete annual self-sacrifice ritual to help maintain New Zealanders’ will to live
  9. NZR agree to drop legal action if Papua New Guinea Chiefs’ mascot is a sufficiently sexy CGI animal
  10. Green Party promises to nationalise the Kiwibank sheep
  11. New Zealand man identified as only other person to have survived multiple public executions
  12. Fears grow that human content could pose enormous threat to AI creators
  13. Opportunity deputy only expressed voting preference under ‘immense pressure’ from reporter for Kea Kids
  14. Luxon assures New Zealanders no foreign aid will be diverted from countries they’ve ever heard of
  15. LIVE: Luxon v. Hipkins, first TVNZ debate
  16. Government books looking better than expected thanks to cool holographic Duraseal
  17. Opportunity party lays out 5 key polite requests
  18. Police seek public’s help in tracking down at-large prominent New Zealander, but cannot name them
  19. Chaos on campaign trail as Chris Hipkins takes newfound love of swearing too far, calls Prime Minister ‘cuntmuncher’
  20. NZ First voters perplexed as Winston Peters speaks in Tauranga; say they’d much prefer he speak in English
  21. The Civilian is back for the election: and possibly beyond? What does it mean?
  22. NZ First says new candidates must now be both washed up AND disgraced
  23. National promises to break up Woolworths and Pak’nSave
  24. AI companies in fierce arms race to demonstrate their model is the most existentially threatening to humanity
  25. Wayne Brown rejects claims Auckland is NZ’s murder capital, pointing out the capital city is ‘often not the biggest’
  26. Electoral Commission clarifies that candidates will not be allowed to complete the campaign if they shit their pants

2024 7 stories

  1. Tory Whanau may have to sell Wellington mayoralty to make ends meet
  2. Ukrainian militia receives defective shipment of pagers that just send and receive messages
  3. Government directs Te Puni Kōkiri to conduct Māori Language Week in English
  4. Government celebrates fact that New Zealand’s healthcare is so good people are queuing up for it at 5am
  5. Heartwarming: Thoughtful driver uses indicator to tell you what they’ve just done
  6. NPC teams will now be allowed to actually use the Ranfurly Shield in play
  7. Police say they won’t respond to bomb threats anymore as ‘it’s never anything’

2021 15 stories

  1. Air New Zealand flight attendant named CEO after one year on job
  2. National Party board denies it unanimously agreed to Collins’ Faustian bargain with Satan
  3. Super Saturday recap: Patrick Gower doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do
  4. Rest of New Zealand won’t move to Level 1 until threat of Christmas in the Park has passed
  5. 1pm health update for Saturday, September 18 2021
  6. Experts warn exclusion from AUSUK pact could see New Zealand miss out on future catastrophic wars
  7. Covid outreach disaster as online poll sees vaccination bus named ‘the murder wagon’
  8. Call to ‘come home’ does not apply to our sleeper cells in Australia, says Government
  9. Ardern says China differences ‘becoming harder to ignore’; promises to work harder on ignoring them
  10. Collins warns Government is planning separatist New Zealand with special car parks and gender segregated bathrooms
  11. Christopher Luxon standing patiently outside Judith Collins’ office, tells her ‘let me know when you’re done’
  12. Gareth Morgan wins Mental Gymnast of the Decade at Halberg Awards
  13. Landlords threaten to install uneven stairs, put light switches in awkward places if bright-line test is extended
  14. Scientists begin search for elusive ‘capital gain particle’ to explain runaway housing market
  15. First phase of trans-Tasman bubble will see quarantine-free travel for Australia’s deportees

2020 20 stories

  1. Six weird animals that have nothing to do with the election
  2. National rejects tonight’s result as a ‘rogue poll’
  3. Jacinda Ardern ran down four National supporters with her car this morning but due to electoral law we couldn’t report it until now
  4. 1pm Covid Health Update for 17th October, 2020
  5. Ardern reassures voters that Greens’ negotiating table will be a tiny, humiliating one
  6. National caucus convening to elect new leader for final 2 hours of the campaign
  7. Judith Collins asking for two week extension on election due date
  8. National Party scrambles to remove hundreds of supporters pre-planted over a week in advance
  9. Today in History: Reagan returns to White House after assassination attempt, tells Americans ‘don’t be afraid to get shot’
  10. Collins ‘popped in’ to Anglican church to briefly threaten God before voting
  11. Two people in serious condition after incident involving NZ First bus
  12. LIVE: Jacinda Ardern vs. Judith Collins, First Debate
  13. Hundreds of Aucklanders arrested after illegal mass gathering on Harbour Bridge
  14. Entire caucus continues to follow Judith Collins everywhere as she struggles to undo mind control spell
  15. An Introduction to Todd Muller
  16. What’s in the Coronavirus Package?
  17. Shane Jones asked to self-isolate after recent travel to Newshub studios
  18. The Civilian’s guide to preparing for Coronavirus
  19. To ensure a factual campaign, all Labour Party advertising will be in question form
  20. Winston Peters claims vindication after not being charged in National Party SFO investigation

2019 45 stories

  1. Mark Richardson accidentally outs self as human
  2. Government may ban voting in effort to get more people to do it
  3. Government in contentious discussions about whether to put surplus on red or black
  4. Reporters deliver uplifting news to fleeing Japanese residents: they won’t miss any rugby
  5. Jeremy Clarkson says at least Anne Frank kept her thoughts to herself
  6. Opinion: If these kids really care about the climate, why are they still breathing?
  7. More trouble for Spark as players start buffering on the field
  8. Trump repeatedly asked Ardern if New Zealand gives asylum very often
  9. Petrol companies promise prices will come back down once peace is restored to the Middle East
  10. All Blacks unveil boat for Rugby World Cup 2019
  11. Police will have to wear silly Buckingham Palace hats from now on, says Police Minister
  12. The moment I found out that you found out, I acted swiftly
  13. Let me explain what I meant by Everyday New Zealanders
  14. Cadbury rumoured to be releasing the Pineapple Trump
  15. Māori Language Week with The Civilian
  16. Flight to Los Angeles turned back after passengers decide they don’t want to go anymore
  17. Air New Zealand identifies this enormous plot of unused land as possible second airport site
  18. Ardern attempts to vaccinate Clarke Gayford live on television to prove that it’s safe
  19. Has Mr. Whippy gone too far by parking on our front lawns?
  20. Government says it will now build just one really nice home
  21. Experts warn Harold the Giraffe “well past” typical giraffe life expectancy, may not have long
  22. Opinion: Treat your car by buying it extra petrol to snack on while you aren’t driving
  23. Will Steve Hansen’s plan to stack two All Blacks on top of each other in a big coat pay dividends?
  24. Bridges: If kids become reliant on free lunches, how will they cope when we’re in power?
  25. David Seymour says ACT would make retirement age 69
  26. Man finally gets out of bed after Cricket World Cup
  27. Adorable: Trevor Mallard cradles drunk Shane Jones while Parliament in session
  28. Selfish corporate media won’t send cameras to Amazon so we can watch it burn
  29. Elderly couple told they still can’t watch Rugby World Cup even after putting router in centre of lounge
  30. Petrol companies recommend fighting climate change by buying lots of petrol and not using it
  31. Protester standing outside Parliament every day until climate action accepts he will eventually drown
  32. Ihumātao escalates as Don Brash occupies portion of land set to be returned to iwi
  33. Opinion: Baldwin Street is steeper because we’re on the bottom of the globe and it’s harder not to fall off
  34. Green Party still says 16-year-olds should be able to vote, just not allowed to make their ads anymore
  35. Andrew Yang demonstrates dangers of AI future by replacing self with uncharismatic, lifeless robot
  36. KiwiBuild house prices soar, finding new value as a collector’s item
  37. Shunned and isolated, depressed Israel Folau revises list of sins to remove “drunks”
  38. Simon Bridges only able to separate Collins from infrastructure portfolio with human sacrifice to Baal
  39. BREAKING: Treasury Secretary confirms emails hacked after they disappear from his outbox
  40. Sign language interpreter goes on colourful, profane, abusive rant for duration of Winston Peters’ budget address
  41. Robertson refuses to release budget; says you’ll just have to find it on the website
  42. Kid on swing embodies Kiwi dream by going back and forth and never getting anywhere
  43. Prime Minister John Key announces there will be no capital gains tax
  44. Tax Working Group recommends The Big Short
  45. RELIEF: New Zealand businesses won’t have to pay capital gains on these family homes

2018 38 stories

  1. EMBARRASSING: Winning Melbourne Cup horse just ran around in a big circle like some kind of idiot
  2. Nation to begin process of hiding Palmerston North for Harry and Meghan visit
  3. Crackdown on Lime Scooters: All pedestrians will be required to wear helmets
  4. How many Maureen Pughs is one Chinese worth?
  5. Opinion: All of this is why I chose not to have any other MPs
  6. Opinion: Honestly, I am fucking useless
  7. Judith Collins loses all control of host body
  8. Just how much of the $2 billion Kiwibuild fund has Phil Twyford spent on Fortnite?
  9. Water Whirler doubles in value after beaning titanic douchemonger
  10. Government will provide therapy for business owners to help them feel more confident
  11. Australian fruit brands promise items found in strawberries will be ‘more fun’ from now on
  12. Proctor struggles to explain why he also took two cans of beans, a beer, 60 dollars, and a bath
  13. Recent whale sightings in Wellington may just be whales trying to stockpile plastic bags
  14. Ardern reaffirms that she still won’t be firing Clare Curran
  15. Far-right speaking event cancelled again, but ‘Phil Goff is a prick’ event to go ahead at council venues
  16. Opinion: Will Steven Adams at least play table tennis for New Zealand?
  17. Disappointment: Six weeks on, Jacinda Ardern’s daughter Neve has achieved nothing
  18. Teachers’ strike to be met with resistance by nationwide parents’ strike
  19. Police hope to have speeding ticket gift vouchers available in time for Christmas
  20. Winston Peters fired entire Cabinet on Thursday but every journalist was at the hospital
  21. Hundreds of journalists rushed to hospital following major incident
  22. New Zealand celebrates separation of child from mother
  23. David Seymour asks why the government needs to provide holidays when you can already buy them online
  24. As nation waits for baby, medical experts say it might just stay in there forever
  25. Due to nationwide shortage of buzzy bee toys, New Plymouth sends Prime Minister actual bees
  26. Pregnant Auckland women hopeful their babies will be accidentally switched with the Prime Minister’s
  27. Shortland Street special to depict the hospital scrambling to deliver Prime Minister’s baby
  28. Opinion: Recent experiences have led me to believe that text voting would be a wonderful thing for our democracy
  29. BUDGET 2018: Labour to pass increased cost of health onto Mark Richardson
  30. Ardern’s baby to be sent to regions as part of coalition deal with NZ First
  31. Cricket Australia bans all players not involved in cheating for ‘failing to uphold the standards of Australian cricket’
  32. Government to ban vodka in desperate attempt to look like it’s doing something about Russia
  33. Preliminary census results show that Russian spies only make up 1.3% of New Zealand population
  34. Black Caps accused of score tampering using foreign objects Wagner, Watling, Raval and de Grandhomme
  35. Sky’s new starter package just a cable in a box
  36. National hopes Simon Bridges will broaden its appeal to other young, Māori former Cabinet ministers
  37. Jeremy Wells can’t use own bathroom without being haunted by ghost of Mike Hosking
  38. Oil from Simon Bridges’ hair causes horrific spill in Oriental Bay

2017 85 stories

  1. Winston Peters said nothing in talks with National, just walked around room with a box cutter
  2. Look what you’ve done, New Zealand
  3. Skirting the law: Was it legal for Jacinda Ardern to walk around malls all day wearing a bag over her head?
  4. Bill English held a press conference to say he hates everyone but electoral law made it illegal to report until now
  5. David Seymour spent final day of campaign standing next to stack of his books saying ‘Hey, check these out’
  6. Grant Robertson breaking into people’s homes screaming ‘let’s do this’ in last ditch election eve effort
  7. Farmers blame absence of Bill English for failure to summon Cow God
  8. Bill English will early vote for himself tomorrow morning before he changes his mind
  9. Steven Joyce reminds journalists that everyone said Copernicus was wrong, too
  10. Nation deeply divided over whether to put expected operating spending in categorised expenses row or operation allowances row
  11. Labour’s new tax calculator lets you put in your income and creates a working group that will deliberate for two years on what you’ll pay
  12. The Great Hosking Debate: A Debrief
  13. Hosking to be replaced in leaders debates by Jim Hickey, who will ask questions exclusively about the weather
  14. National promises ambitious new expressway between South Auckland and prison
  15. A look back: We reflect on Peter Dunne’s greatest achievements
  16. Can it get any worse? Now James Shaw can’t get his hand out of the garbage disposal
  17. Did Andrew Little entertain hundreds of kids’ stupid bullshit for nothing?
  18. How is Labour going to get this Andrew Little advertisement off the surface of the moon in time for election day?
  19. Gareth Morgan promises a TOP coalition would raise Jacinda Ardern’s kids for her
  20. Introducing The Civilian’s Election Special: How Will You Vote Will You Vote At All Will You Even Consider Voting for Gareth You Probably Shouldn’t – Part One
  21. Peter Burling ruined parade by refusing to dress as Santa, say parents
  22. Spithill reveals Cup is useless; was just trying to get rid of it the whole time
  23. Team New Zealand perfectly poised to lose 7-6
  24. Opinion: I would never listen to any of my employees
  25. Todd Barclay made decision to resign after listening to himself on dictaphone
  26. Hundreds injured in Police Ten 7 police brutality special
  27. Simon Barnett devastated to learn his co-host of the last ten years isn’t the real Gary McCormick
  28. Hot take: Did the All Blacks deliberately lose every game they ever lost?
  29. Could this year’s America’s Cup be marred by the fact it’s a horrible sport where the winner makes the rules and nobody cares?
  30. Hundreds of passengers stranded in Hamilton after their flights to Hamilton landed there
  31. Bill English asks New Zealanders to please ‘look busy’ for US Secretary of state visit
  32. National will offer family tax breaks to native birds at risk of extinction
  33. Trump Middle East peace plan derailed after discovering Israel already has a wall
  34. Uh oh! Team NZ setback: What they’ve built isn’t even a boat
  35. National election ad where Bill English defeats Andrew Little in climactic rap battle ‘just a massive coincidence’
  36. Ransomware virus will only unlock users’ computers if Bill English hands over secret family pizza recipe
  37. Five things you didn’t know about bananas because they aren’t true
  38. FULL TEXT: President Trump’s dismissal letter to FBI Director James Comey
  39. “I’m no hero,” says man who bravely rescued drowning boy so he could harvest his organs
  40. We’re just going to go ahead and report that Prince Philip is dead because it’ll be true soon enough anyway
  41. For first year on record, New Zealand weather more miserable than New Zealand humans
  42. Opinion: Well, I like planes
  43. The Blues to tape over Sonny Bill Williams for upcoming fixtures
  44. The Greens: Because you take great pride in riding your bicycle to your coal-heated workplace
  45. MetService apologises for mistaking cloud for cyclone
  46. After much deliberation over catchy ways to refer to storm, media settles on ‘Cyclone 2: Many Cook spoils the Beach’
  47. TVNZ measuring strength of storm in different locations by how wet and injured their reporters become
  48. In bid to ease tensions, Trump authorises firing 59 Pepsi cans at Syrian military base
  49. Opinion: I, too, am a human. Look at my failure. It is like your failure.
  50. Tararua Mayor says rain falling at a 61 degree angle to total accumulation of 17.2mm on a Thursday is ‘one in 1,000 year event’
  51. Quick tips: Six fun ways you can prevent terrorism at home
  52. Opinion: These bloody ambulances think they own the road. We’ve all got somewhere to be
  53. Serious Fraud Office investigating ring of serial fraudsters pretending to be All Blacks so they can take photos with tourists
  54. LIVE COVERAGE: Black Caps’ final game ever – Day 1
  55. Today in History: The time Bill English lost the election because he got carried away and had half a beer on St. Patrick’s Day
  56. Wellington man wonders whether he might as well just start preloading for New Year’s right now
  57. Mike Hosking finally done adjusting his sleeves
  58. Gender bias: How would audiences respond differently if Trump was a washing machine and Clinton was a can opener?
  59. All natural: how the ancient Aztecs drank chia seed smoothies from their local wankshop
  60. Council warns if Aucklanders don’t use less water, they’ll face the possibility of still having water
  61. Opinion: I’m not lying, spinning or reciting disingenuous talking points. I sound like a robotic narcissist in private, too
  62. Quick tips: 13 subtle signs your house may be flooded and you need to evacuate
  63. Government to shorten superannuation period by encouraging New Zealanders to live two years less long
  64. Power outage allows man to rediscover joy of walking around in circles aimlessly
  65. Talented rising star finally presented with career-ending noose she always wanted
  66. Starved tigers and bears to be introduced to New Zealand as bio-control measure against humans
  67. Opinion: What’s all the fuss about these rivers? I drank some water once and it wasn’t any bloody good
  68. Government vows that by 2040, 90% of New Zealand’s rivers will be ‘vaguely liquid in nature’
  69. Amazing discovery: New Zealand is part of an enormous underwater land mass called Earth
  70. ‘Why the hell do I have the same three panelists?’ Rove erupts as he learns he isn’t hosting The Project permanently
  71. The Civilian is rebranding!
  72. Dan Carter apology comes too late: thousands of kids already drink driving to emulate their hero
  73. Fears thousands of rubberneckers may be left with nowhere to go if fire is brought under control
  74. PM concedes tossing Gerry Brownlee down the hill to appease the fire was ‘probably a mistake’ but ‘he will be remembered’
  75. Political stunt backfires: Gareth Morgan trapped in glass case for days after no one realises he’s missing
  76. Auckland father terrifies son by telling him of mythical place called ‘the provinces’
  77. TV3 becomes ‘Three’ in final acknowledgement that it is no longer television
  78. Bill English coming dangerously close to a heart attack every time he answers the phone
  79. Record crowd turns out to watch grass dry in ‘fantastic showing’ at Napier
  80. I am honored to serve as the new Attorney General until such time as I, too, am fired
  81. English: up to ‘others to decide’ whether ethnic cleansing is wrong, but ‘certainly not the direction we plan to take’
  82. Donald Trump sure hopes someone is reading these things he’s signing
  83. Opinion: They’re saying I shouldn’t have citizenship but I’ve been here for at least several days
  84. EXCLUSIVE: Five things that might not have happened on Richie McCaw’s honeymoon but are certainly physically possible
  85. At the current rate, MetService says it will ‘never rain again,’ and ‘we will all die’

2016 83 stories

  1. Christmas shoppers revisit annual moral crisis about whether Cadbury Favourites are still an acceptable gift
  2. Kaikoura locals engage in vigorous debate about which man at table is Prime Minister
  3. Scientists believe world veered off into bizarro timestream sometime in mid-June
  4. Bill English – The Prime Minister who was there
  5. Bill English celebrated last night by using twice the amount of Listerine he usually does
  6. 20.9% of country thrilled
  7. Careless? John Key left himself just one week to clear the browser history from all his Beehive computers
  8. New Zealanders revelling in exciting week of live stream shots of hallways
  9. English and Coleman’s inspiring stories: how they came from money and stayed there
  10. Bill English has yet to make a decision on leadership bid; has to talk it over with his pot plants
  11. John Key makes shock decision to resign in middle of the day, rather than at the end of the day
  12. Have you seen this man? Last picture taken of Mitt Romney may hold clues to his whereabouts
  13. Children told there won’t be any Christmas presents this year after Santa’s WINZ cheque didn’t come through
  14. Crate Day special: Liquor stores offering one free liver with every crate purchased
  15. Incredible pictures: aerial footage shows quake cracks spell out ‘Gary McCormick did nothing wrong’
  16. Journalists spent months training kea to move road cones for summer news payoff
  17. Rumours a run has occurred on Day 4 of the second test between the Black Caps and Pakistan
  18. Marketing stunt gone wrong: Mike Hosking sucked into black hole created by his custom Dyson vacuum cleaner
  19. Trump very close to naming who he will appoint as President
  20. Today in History: How the 1931 Hawke’s Bay earthquake left the region without internet for 60 years
  21. John Key wondering how long is appropriate to leave up Facebook pictures of him and the TPP on holiday together
  22. Civil Defence evacuates whole of New Zealand after engineers discover structural issues with the country
  23. God deeply frustrated Auckland’s gay people live nowhere near a fault line
  24. Opinion: Everyone needs to calm down and give this KKK Grand Wizard I appointed to Secretary of State a chance
  25. Bob Parker dangled over Wellington by helicopter to provide illusion of comfort
  26. Government pushes urgent legislation to end 2016, have New Year’s right now
  27. At this point, nation just kind of resigned to Prime Minister Winston Peters
  28. Obama reassures Americans that the sun will still come up in the morning, ‘at least for another 70 days’
  29. Holy shit
  30. On election eve, Trump team concedes he may still win despite ‘very best efforts’ to lose
  31. After Ireland victory, fears that rugby could become dynamic game where multiple teams can win
  32. Opinion: You can’t compare these entirely adequate TV shows to my perfect political party, and that should really be the end of it
  33. You won’t believe what David Bowie looks like now!
  34. Opinion: You can’t compare Hosking or Henry’s entirely adequate breakfast shows to this bloody mad police show I used to host
  35. New map shows what world REALLY looks like: Australia doesn’t even exist!
  36. Opinion: You can’t compare Paul Henry or Mike Hosking’s entirely adequate breakfast shows to our perfect breakfast show
  37. Melbourne Cup-goer makes incredible discovery of racing horses in middle of annual booze party
  38. Opinion: You can’t compare Mike Hosking’s entirely adequate breakfast show to my perfect breakfast show
  39. David Cunliffe retires from Parliament in desperate attempt to remind people he’s still in Parliament
  40. Opinion: You can’t compare Paul Henry’s entirely adequate breakfast show to my perfect breakfast show
  41. Nation prepares to commemorate Labour Day by gathering at grave of the Labour Party
  42. Suspect leads police on harrowing 13-hour chase round Panmure roundabout
  43. Election advent calendar will reveal one new groping allegation against Donald Trump every day
  44. With conclusion of Real Housewives of Auckland, man feels he can safely reconnect television
  45. Prime Minister under fire for taking whole 6 hours to respond to Aaron Smith having sex in toilet
  46. VP Debate: Mike Pence forced to watch live feed of Donald Trump and defend him in real time
  47. Steve Hansen assures public that All Blacks would ‘not normally’ have sex
  48. UFO sighting over Auckland was just new Breakfast desk
  49. Key tells UN that woman he said was unfit to be Prime Minister is fit to be Secretary General
  50. Angry French tourist may have a point, as historians say vandalism was also illegal in Nazi Germany
  51. NCEA debacle perfect opportunity for smug adults to demonstrate superiority to children
  52. Helen Clark could still win Secretary General race if all other candidates die violently
  53. Colin Craig opens defence with 23-page-long poem about his loins
  54. Supposedly ‘waterproof’ iPhone 7 still can’t be thrown into rapids or fed to a shark
  55. Stakes high in local board election as outcome could affect placement of tree relative to curb
  56. Opinion: I think it’s fairly obvious I meant to send those sexy sexts to myself
  57. Asteroid that showed promising risk to all life will miss planet, NASA regretfully announces
  58. Horror: hundreds of shampoo bottles on their side
  59. Andrew Little changes mind about marijuana legalisation after supporter offers him a joint
  60. Domino’s delivery drone kills six at wedding
  61. Kiwis just want to know whether their KiwiSaver investments in cluster bombs are doing well
  62. Hastings gastro outbreak just marketing stunt to promote new documentary about Hastings gastro outbreak
  63. TVNZ acknowledges experiment to cryogenically freeze man from 1920s and put him on TV today has failed
  64. Michael Phelps announces he has collected enough gold medals to activate the doomsday device
  65. Rio Olympic Schedule – August 9th
  66. Rio Olympic Schedule – August 21st
  67. New Zealand wins Olympic medal for binge drinking
  68. Trump announces Melania ‘will have to go back’ to Slovenia
  69. Olympic torchbearer mugged, torch missing
  70. Chiefs saga highlights need for children to be better role models for impressionable rugby players
  71. Christchurch man can’t wait to build snowman out of mostly dirt tomorrow
  72. Richie McCaw film ‘Space Ruck’ to focus on time he helped cartoon characters fend off rugby players from space
  73. Government compensates David Bain with small gift bag, chocolates, and a new jersey
  74. Small cardboard box sells for $150k in Auckland
  75. Leave voters disenchanted as they begin to realise UK is still in same geographical location
  76. Lorde winning praise for donating small rounding error from her bank account
  77. Fans of Bill English’s Budget series worried he won’t be able to tie all plot threads together by the end
  78. Fairlie firefighters to be charged after inhumane treatment of cone stuck up tree
  79. Camera odds-on favourite to win The Bachelor after spending most time with Jordan
  80. Academy appeases everyone by awarding Oscar to Black Leonardo DiCaprio
  81. Crowdfunding initiative seeks to buy private house for all New Zealanders
  82. Trump victory in New Hampshire a painful reminder of state’s heroin epidemic
  83. Government to offer three years free tertiary education to one person only

2015 76 stories

  1. Key champions fact that 100% of referendum votes were for a new flag
  2. Nation learns of Judith Collins’ reappointment via dead ravens on their lawn, darkening skies
  3. Police just trying to keep guns as far away from Barry Soper as possible
  4. After hepatitis berry scare, Government advising no one have sex with their berries
  5. Belgian PM urges calm, not to let terror affect way of life, ‘but also we’re shutting down everything.’
  6. Man with no ties to any terror group being monitored by GCSB ‘just in case’
  7. A man refused to be served by a black air hostess. What happened next will generate advertising revenue
  8. Nation starting to realise that nothing happens after winning World Cup
  9. Sky didn’t buy rights to Rugby World Cup playoffs; will just replay 2007 quarterfinal over and over
  10. Lack of news calls for more pictures of lenticular clouds
  11. Jury to analyse Chris Cairns’ behaviour in Bridget Jones’s Diary
  12. 1080 arrest could have been made quicker if public had panicked more, say police
  13. Referendum will allow New Zealanders to vote on new flag quadrant-by-quadrant
  14. Campbell signs off final show by going on reckless Mazda driving spree
  15. John Key signed to TVNZ as resident expert on politics, movies
  16. MediaWorks confirms reruns of Road Cops is its new current affairs show
  17. Wasp in Whittaker’s chocolate false alarm; was supposed to be there
  18. Opinion: No one survives plane crashes anyway
  19. Prince Harry says it’s ‘inhumane’ how many New Zealanders live in cramped pens on side of the road
  20. Jetstar passenger furious after missing flight that left on time
  21. Getting completely smashed every night may be good for your health, say nutritionists
  22. Opinion: John Key calls me every morning at 3am and I can’t take it anymore
  23. MetService to replace detailed forecast with little man that either shivers or wears sunglasses
  24. How to rid your home of pesky tuatara this winter
  25. TV3 heeds public feedback; will replace Campbell Live with show about petitions
  26. Misprint sees new bank notes feature David Bain, Nek Minute guy
  27. No telling how large Mike Hosking’s erection is right now
  28. Prime Minister assassinated, nuclear bomb detonated; no one notices because cricket
  29. Girl who wanted tea break will have plenty of time to eat when fired
  30. Winston Peters’ hand-made Lego bridge probably won’t suffice, say Northlanders
  31. New X Factor judges somehow even less famous than previous X Factor judges
  32. Man charged with ‘decent assault’ on other man following fist fight
  33. New Zealanders too busy putting chairs back up to help Vanuatu
  34. Hallensteins gears up for annual Willy Moon costume sale
  35. Natalia Kills, Willy Moon horrified to learn contestants have been singing other peoples’ songs
  36. Cunliffe’s plan to climb kauri tree may actually encourage it to be felled
  37. Police release instructions on how best to panic about 1080 threat
  38. Opinion: The mating of two Wiggles is unnatural and an affront to family values
  39. Colin Craig denies rumours he’ll be replaced with a wooden spoon
  40. Mad Butcher’s prices actually quite sensible
  41. Indonesia may halt executions if Tony Abbott agrees to ‘dance like stupid monkey’
  42. GCSB not spying; just ‘inadvertently looking’
  43. Spying justified because Nauru is ‘serious threat to New Zealand’, says Prime Minister
  44. Tourists take law into own hands by confiscating New Zealanders’ alcohol
  45. Dean Barker vows to construct death yacht to compete against Team New Zealand
  46. X Factor to replace convicted killer with acquitted killer David Bain
  47. New Zealand left defenceless as troops take army’s only gun to Iraq
  48. Beached whales were just trying to die
  49. New Zealand, Sri Lanka just stand around on field after both teams paid to lose
  50. Australian Government releases list of reasons global warming may actually be a great thing
  51. Movie theatres ask Fifty Shades viewers to please ejaculate only into cups
  52. Police offer $56,000 reward to anyone who finds police commissioner’s car keys
  53. Disappointment as meteor misses Sky Tower
  54. Peter Williams suspended for exaggerating story about this one time he had friends over
  55. Cricket World Cup will allow viewers to engage in interactive match-fixing
  56. Defence argues that ‘in a way, we all killed the Lundy family’
  57. Prime Minister, Governor General won’t be at Waitangi celebrations, as it’s a public holiday
  58. Reserve Bank announces that potato chips are now currency
  59. National to stand former MP Mike Sabin in Northland by-election
  60. Opinion: Can’t a hedgehog just get his head stuck in a cup without being humiliated on national news?
  61. Couple may lose jobs after making nation upset about not having sex
  62. Russel Norman to be replaced by two co-male-co-leaders
  63. School cuts costs by replacing playground with ‘bark pit of imagination’
  64. The Luminaries fails to win local baking award due to tall poppy syndrome
  65. Police on hunt for obnoxious film students who disturbed creepy masked couple
  66. Second coming of hipster messiah David Farrier may be soon, believe hipsters
  67. Key says there were better New Zealand novels than The Luminaries, such as Lord of the Rings
  68. Sean Plunket pre-emptively takes self to boss’s office, stays there
  69. Key hopes state housing plan will ensure no one like him ever becomes Prime Minister again
  70. Man who died was enormous bastard
  71. Pakistani cricket team cannot rule out possibility that ghost tampered with ball
  72. Tenuous connection to New Zealand found in major international news event
  73. King Abdullah temporarily halts death hoax after dissatisfaction with mourning
  74. Editorial: Why ISIL is great and we don’t want to die
  75. Young man makes it through entire holiday period without dying
  76. Why Maria Regina Sivori is our Mother of the Year and we don’t want to be punched by the Pope

2014 48 stories

  1. Awkward misunderstanding after AC/DC drummer says band needs ‘two hits’
  2. Surrounded sex offender still won’t come down from roof
  3. Key spoke to Cameron Slater ‘not as Prime Minister’, but as a sponge
  4. Winston Peters finally allowed on TV3 set after standing next to it for 78 hours
  5. Prime Minister issues Judith Collins with last, definitively final, absolutely penultimate warning
  6. Viewers judge TV3 to be winner in TV One leaders’ debate
  7. Government to save $400 million by doing ice bucket challenge on behalf of whole country
  8. Out of control crowd writes stern letter to effigy of John Key
  9. John Key not concerned about Hager allegations that Judith Collins killed a man
  10. Cunliffe releases explosive emails that suggest he has a sense of humour
  11. Government conspired to give Dotcom permanent residency in hopes there would be massive party
  12. Passengers upset at delays due to fog; just wanted to hurry up and die
  13. Stab-proof iPhone glass can still be beaten in with blunt end
  14. Tragedy as ball enters white thing seven times
  15. Media sure is pleased they took lots of stock images of trees from the last storm
  16. Labour to reduce classroom sizes to a maximum of 15 square metres
  17. Nation forgives Lou Vincent for making cricket interesting
  18. Malaysian Government extradites wrong person; McCully says ‘he’ll do’
  19. Adam Sandler film may influence election; prompts American voters to believe country is ‘on the wrong track’
  20. Environmentalists confused as nature destroys trees
  21. New speed cameras to be disguised as ‘no speed limit’ signs
  22. Canada shooting absolves United States of guilt for total of 24 hours
  23. Banks assures self that this will just make for great scene in inevitable musical about him
  24. Postie Plus buyer understood to be 8-year-old child with spare change
  25. Stock brokers admit they have no idea what any of those numbers mean
  26. Internet Party warns that new leader Laila Harré has gained ‘a lot of weight’ and is now German
  27. Crash causes KiwiRail to reassess track that runs directly into pole
  28. Internet-Mana Party promises to farm unprecedented amount of Reddit karma
  29. John Campbell shocks nation by reading politicians’ Wednesday schedules to eerie music
  30. Cairns didn’t feel Black Caps getting paid to lose was unusual
  31. John Banks asked mud to be thrown in two separate amounts
  32. Politicians scramble to dispose of their own copies of Mein Kampf
  33. Nation certain this picture should be used but unsure how
  34. Internet Party identifies its strongest candidates as members of other parties
  35. Broadcasters consider running election night coverage next week ‘just to get it over with’
  36. Australian Government growing concerned about influx of plane people
  37. Cunliffe dismisses poll as scientific data point realistically evaluating his chances at victory
  38. Colin Craig threatens to sue self for defamation
  39. Japan completes research; discovers tastiest whale
  40. Malaysian search and rescue finds Amelia Earhart, Lost City of Atlantis
  41. Russell Packer shocked to lose job after receiving prison sentence
  42. Colin Craig admits to occasionally smacking other people’s children for money
  43. Shell reassures Dunedin residents that any oil from a spill will be free
  44. Peter Williams gets bored of reading screens, starts making news up
  45. Upcoming election to overshadow important social, economic issues
  46. Japan fails to see through New Year’s resolution to tackle whaling habit
  47. World mourns famous person they didn’t know or care about until now
  48. New Zealanders “the best” at drunk driving

2013 255 stories

  1. Colin Craig eagerly waiting outside Beehive
  2. Chris Laidlaw breaks Radio New Zealand tradition by stepping down before his death
  3. More than 10,000 feared dead in page 4 news event
  4. Tiki Taane wondering whether he can perform ‘Fuck tha Police’ now
  5. Harmful Digital Communications Bill could outlaw mainstream news sites
  6. Elephant in studio eats Willie Jackson, gores John Tamihere
  7. Editorial: Hope and Heartbreak at Cunliffe’s Conference
  8. Live Blog: The Civilian goes to the Labour Party Conference
  9. National gains in poll; up 25% since 2002
  10. Single postal worker to deliver entire nation’s mail
  11. Bunnings Warehouse wins The Block NZ after making the most in profit
  12. Len Brown tells Auckland he just wants to get on with having sex
  13. John Key appointed U.S. ambassador to New Zealand
  14. Lou Reed fan admits he hates his music, ‘now that he’ll never know’
  15. Fonterra inquiry finds that Anchor Milk tastes great, Fonterra is best company
  16. NZ First elects deputy leader to dissolve party when Winston Peters dies
  17. National ministers temporarily resign to avoid ministerial responsibility
  18. New Auckland Monopoly to contain too few house pieces
  19. Tony Abbott attempts to protect Australia’s women by suffocating fire with his chest
  20. Feeling inadequate, nation hopes no young people achieve anything this week
  21. Media reports surplus of pictures of Len Brown walking
  22. John Banks pleads insanity
  23. Nation struggles to masturbate to Len Brown affair
  24. Stewart Island to be renamed Harry Styles as a result of online poll
  25. Low turnout results in lawnmower winning Auckland mayoralty
  26. Sonny Bill Williams to play cricket
  27. Prime Minister announces plans to merge Phillipstown School with the High Court
  28. Ducks mobilising armies of miniature ducks in apparent effort to overthrow society
  29. Government to build 6000 new homes to hide homeless people
  30. Key admits he discussed nothing with Putin; just stared at him
  31. Privy Council accepts media argument that overturning Lundy conviction would provide much-needed news event
  32. Lorde’s ‘Pure Heroine’ riddled with bigotry, discovers bored psychology graduate
  33. Data shows ‘lots’ of people live in New Zealand after census workers get sick of counting
  34. Lorde fans warn 16-year-old New Zealand’s Got Talent contestant to step off her territory
  35. Cameron Slater takes rare break from watching Whale Oil site traffic
  36. U.S. Government resumes five-year shutdown
  37. Nation panics, heads to higher ground following small earthquake
  38. Nation gears up for October practice elections
  39. ‘We didn’t want that stupid cup anyway,’ says Dean Barker
  40. Dean Barker admits he should’ve capsized the boat when he had the chance
  41. Student burning midnight oil burns down university
  42. Are video games influencing our children to run too many errands?
  43. John Key creates lifelike mould of self to roll out at public events
  44. Grand Theft Auto V contains no disc; just a blunt object and a screwdriver
  45. Who is David Cunliffe?
  46. David Cunliffe flies to San Francisco in effort to be on TV
  47. Drug kingpin struggles to make tea as all his sugar is laced with cocaine
  48. New Zealand Shark Alliance announces Shark Awareness Week Awareness Week
  49. Remainder of America’s Cup races to be decided in court
  50. Russia offers to take all Syrian chemical weapons
  51. Rudd declares victory, refuses to leave office
  52. Prime Minister eats kiwi, just to make sure we’re not missing out on anything
  53. ‘50 Million Dollar Gorilla’ was best porn film Shane Jones ever saw
  54. UN weapons inspectors find all kinds of neat things
  55. British vote no to intervention in Syria, yes to intervention in Britain
  56. Obama reminds Americans that Martin Luther King’s vision was just a dream
  57. Ponzi schemer won’t be sentenced as he didn’t intend to break law
  58. Opinion: I am deeply concerned about me
  59. Judge orders Government to reconsider red zone theme park
  60. Team New Zealand to contest America’s Cup with new boat design featuring motor
  61. Labour ponders whether country is ready for white, male Prime Minister
  62. A Look Back: Remembering Dale Shearer
  63. No one puts hand up for Labour leadership
  64. David Shearer resigns, ‘if that’s okay with everyone’
  65. Thingee to stand for Christchurch mayoralty
  66. Media feels things would be a lot easier if Seddon would just rename itself ‘Wellington’
  67. David Shearer pleased that no one is talking about him
  68. Equivalent of 13 white people killed in Egypt
  69. Tony Abbott struggles to name a woman
  70. Palestinian refugees ordered out of Israel Dagg’s home
  71. Key asks media to stop covering death and murder, focus on snapper instead
  72. Opinion: I’m rather more concerned about spying, actually
  73. Tony Abbott distances self from Tony Abbott in first debate
  74. Seven Sharp celebrates another week without being cancelled
  75. Opinion: I can’t fathom why you’d want to go to my concert
  76. John Key asks media to ‘lay off’ because it’s his birthday
  77. Study reveals people with cancer more likely to have cancer
  78. Shock as McDonald’s outlets found selling dead animals to children
  79. Chinese media says problem with New Zealand economy is that it isn’t ruthless dictatorship
  80. ‘I’d never buy Fonterra milk,’ says man purchasing three bottles of Anchor
  81. Experts say only thing botulism kills is spying scandal
  82. Kevin Rudd announces election date was yesterday
  83. Nation shocked to learn infant formula just for babies
  84. Queenstown locals promise violent retaliation after being named only fourth friendliest city in the world
  85. Bill English drafts English bill
  86. Key to confiscate nation’s phones for bad behaviour
  87. Al-Qaeda offered charter school contract after showing proficiency in training New Zealanders
  88. Petrol prices different to what they were previously
  89. ‘Everything is fixed,’ says Key
  90. Stuff.co.nz to introduce Stuff+1 with hour delay
  91. David Shearer tells Pakistani taxi driver that he can’t buy home
  92. Concern after future monarch revealed to be useless infant who won’t stop crying
  93. X Factor finalists to compete for chance to judge next X Factor
  94. Christchurch warns Wellington to stop stealing sympathy after unauthorised use of earthquakes
  95. Anger after State of Origin interrupts streaking
  96. Study finds that every Prime Minister was worst Prime Minister
  97. Disgruntled Jeremy Corbett to host ‘Deal or I’ll Activate the Doomsday Device’
  98. Whittaker’s PR stunt causes nation to question reality
  99. ‘Forests actually on fire,’ responds Simon Bridges
  100. Welfare policy changes encourage beneficiaries to seek work or the lost city of Atlantis
  101. Asiana Airlines sues TV station for damaging otherwise spotless reputation
  102. Cricket match occurs; no deaths reported
  103. Don Brash seizes control of the Pakeha Party
  104. Government to introduce GST on Monopoly transactions
  105. Joe Karam, several others found dead in Bain home
  106. John Banks disappointed that no one thought to send him white powder
  107. Bob Parker may be dispatched to bring comfort to Haiti, Syria
  108. Women’s Weekly to give away tickets to royal birth
  109. David Shearer stages coup against self, declares ‘it’s done’
  110. What’s in the Pakeha Party platform?
  111. Pakeha Party to fight for more coffee, cheaper DVD box sets
  112. Labour proposes ban on Trevor Mallard
  113. ‘If you don’t want to be spied on, hide under a blanket,’ says Key
  114. Japan refuses to stop hunting Greenpeace
  115. Nation misplaces Stewart Island
  116. Media struggles to not use ‘pita wraps’ pun in describing Sharples resignation
  117. Caucus gives David Shearer gold sticker for by-election win
  118. Killer robot won’t stop killing itself
  119. New evidence implicates Robin Bain in murder of Scott Guy
  120. Nelson Mandela distressed by Twitter reports of his death
  121. Postal service to cut costs by confiscating money from birthday cards
  122. Kevin Rudd wakes up after bizarre 3-year-long dream
  123. Opinion: I feel like I should write this while I’m still a public figure
  124. Silvio Berlusconi sentenced to bitchin’ party
  125. Golden statue of Winston Peters ‘just a part of compromise,’ says Key
  126. United States captures Carmen Sandiego
  127. Peter Dunne’s house still without power
  128. Father lights fire so that son can see fire truck
  129. Man convicted of killing sheep to eat them
  130. Wild weather smashes open Beehive, releases bees
  131. Christchurch, Dunedin residents unsure what to do with all this bread
  132. Snow Watch 2013
  133. Printing counterfeit money probably not the best idea, admits Green Party
  134. Lianne Dalziel uncovers evidence of major event in recent Christchurch history
  135. U.S., Russia find common ground in desire to bring about death
  136. ‘Winter is coming,’ warns Jim Hickey
  137. How will MediaWorks reduce its debt?
  138. Banks seize John Campbell as MediaWorks enters receivership
  139. David Shearer accused of hypocrisy after attending National Party function
  140. White House asks Assad to kill his people with normal weapons
  141. Facebook to limit statuses to 140 characters
  142. Greece refuses to make another sequel
  143. Government to remove all yellow lights
  144. National Standards results show improvement in Hekia Parata’s reading, writing and maths
  145. Queen summons knights to go on quest for Holy Grail
  146. ‘The men in grey suits tell me nothing,’ says Key
  147. President Obama listening to Peter Dunne’s phone conversations with amusement
  148. Peter Dunne suddenly wakes up in pool of blood at press conference
  149. Editorial: Why we’re registering a political party
  150. Rachel Smalley in hot water after asking Gerry Brownlee whether he’s a cunt
  151. Hamilton to replace fluoride with Powerade
  152. New Zealand’s Got Talent to add question mark to title
  153. Game of Thrones producers sue George R. R. Martin for plot leaks
  154. Queen disappointed after receiving toaster for birthday
  155. Shearer rattled after John Key declines to stand by all his statements
  156. Peter Dunne, Winston Peters convene secret meeting to confirm that plan is working
  157. Green Party celebrates 60th anniversary of Hillary’s ascent by ‘getting really high’
  158. Labour floats plan to make Mount Cook ‘taller than Everest’
  159. Media relieved after thing explodes during slow news week
  160. Poll shows public holds balance of power at 2014 election
  161. Government partners with Uncle Tobys to provide hungry children with Le Snak
  162. Nation shuts down waiting for nation to shut down due to snow
  163. Winston Peters learns to cook Chinese food, insists no more need for immigrants
  164. Opinion: I’m not a scientist, but allow me to say a few things about science
  165. Relatively large number occurs off coast of Pacific island
  166. Government to introduce charter hospitals
  167. UK to launch anti-terror ‘stop it, we don’t like it’ campaign
  168. Urewera report unable to reconcile idea that police can break law
  169. Lightning, water spouts provide country impression that something is happening
  170. John Kerry asks New Zealand to ‘stay put, don’t touch anything’
  171. North Korea launches missiles into sea, conquers sea
  172. TV3 accidentally airs final episode of X Factor
  173. Air New Zealand bans disabled passengers from all flights
  174. What’s in the Budget?
  175. Bill English leaves Budget at home, says printer broke
  176. Budget 2013: New Zealanders hope for state-owned Georgie Pie, concerned about possibility of llama tax
  177. Labour proposes repeal of National Government
  178. Dreams are real, say scientists
  179. Russel Norman accidentally sits with Labour caucus
  180. Meteorologists concerned about large offshore H
  181. Gilmore: ‘I am dead’
  182. Aaron Gilmore to return to life as suave billionaire
  183. John Key, Steven Joyce play pokies to raise money for convention centre
  184. Mighty River Power shares sell out on first day
  185. ‘There are spiders everywhere,’ reports stoned Duncan Garner
  186. Original copy of Book of Genesis found in hotel drawer
  187. Opinion: I’m not a fucktard. I’m Batman
  188. New Zealanders eager to be disappointed by return of Georgie Pie
  189. David Shearer gives speech about economy; what it is, how it works
  190. Steven Joyce encourages overpaid teachers to pay underpaid teachers
  191. Media saved from end of bullshit news story by arrival of another
  192. Gillard confident of victory in 2010 election
  193. Aaron Gilmore threatens to use political position to end own career
  194. Kim Dotcom to help copyright activists by launching independent TV channel about Kim Dotcom
  195. John Key resorts to making up coalition partners ahead of 2014 election
  196. Taliban claim responsibility for rude hotel comments
  197. Opinion: I am an All Black®, and I am Sacred™
  198. Movie about the rapture to be filmed in New Zealand subdivisions
  199. George W. Bush presidential library to boast extensive range of more than 10 books
  200. Celebrity mentions New Zealand
  201. No one attends dawn service
  202. Colin Craig threatens legal action against The Civilian
  203. Opinion: I am the man who decided to insert a hot dog into the crust of a pizza. I must be stopped
  204. Maurice Williamson looking pretty stupid after floods
  205. Bob Parker contemplating return to space
  206. Labour, Greens announce plans to ‘buy all the power’, see what happens
  207. Air Crash Investigation to be replaced with nicer, more realistic alternative
  208. Marriage destroyed forever
  209. Opinion: Please stop sending me novelty ties
  210. John Banks can’t wait to get gay married
  211. GCSB changes to allow information sharing with Target
  212. Justin Bieber hopes to play concert at Auschwitz
  213. Unemployed strike over cuts to unemployment
  214. North Korea threatens to kill Nicolas Cage
  215. Telecom urges customers to solve Yahoo!Xtra issues by not using Yahoo!Xtra
  216. John Minto curious to know why house full of tiny microphones
  217. John Key asks to see location of Shanghai scene from Skyfall
  218. Asylum seekers return to sea after mistakenly arriving in Australia
  219. Opinion: I have too many toasters
  220. Libertarians unsure whether to care about death of Margaret Thatcher
  221. Outrage grows over Danish politician’s Lord of the Rings comments
  222. Bill English pleased to have House to himself
  223. Christchurch Cathedral to get extreme makeover
  224. Prime Minister faces questions over appointment of teddy bear to GCSB
  225. Government hopes to sweeten Rio Tinto deal with chocolate fish
  226. Government to sell Peter Dunne
  227. Police fill speeding quota for year
  228. David Shearer claims 11-month-old Lotto ticket
  229. 3rd Degree hosts spar over future of 3rd Degree
  230. Auckland Airport to add new ‘crashed’ status to arrivals board
  231. ‘What if kiwi are just tiny moa?’ asks biologist
  232. ACT Party launches investigation into why John Banks is leader of ACT
  233. Jerry Collins locks self in jail cell, won’t come out
  234. EQC mistakenly deletes entire insurance record
  235. Bear Grylls seized by customs
  236. Susan Devoy promises to reach out to nation’s blacks
  237. Fonterra releases world first bottle with less milk
  238. Novopay debacle solved by restarting computer
  239. Return of Marmite eases drought
  240. David Shearer suddenly remembers affair
  241. Solid Energy blames financial trouble on intern
  242. Peter Jackson planning novelization of The Hobbit
  243. Tui billboards all a big misunderstanding
  244. Government aid for farmers “droughtful”, jokes Key
  245. Former Pope Benedict XVI elected new pope
  246. National proposes legislation to Saturdayise Mondays
  247. Teen critically injured after failing to blow on pie
  248. Viewers describe TV3’s 3rd Degree as weird sexual experience
  249. David Cunliffe just making phone calls; nothing suspicious about that
  250. Roy Morgan leads in latest Roy Morgan poll
  251. North Korea threatens New Zealand with nuclear strike; nothing we can do, says Key
  252. Lion attack victim died doing what she loved; getting mauled to death by a lion
  253. The Sharks suspended over Muriwai Beach Attack
  254. United States Congress wires Capitol Building with explosives; will go off if debt deal not reached in 24 hours
  255. New Zealanders like pizza, says Key