Once more, we’re back where we were three years ago, and three years before that, and possibly three years before that but we can’t quite remember if we were covering it. It’s Election Night, and we’re here with all the important updates you need to understand what your vote did or did not mean. We’re here from at least now until some results are in, or the universe ends, whichever is first.
Highlights
Viewers unsure whether Stuff is broadcasting television, or television is publishing Stuff.
Paddy Gower says this election is fucking on. Sam Hayes reminds him that voting has finished.
Many women feel they’ve been had after realising Women’s Rights Party is not, in fact, about Women’s Rights.
Thousands of optometrists feel they’ve been had after taking “Vision New Zealand” at face value.
Thousands of voters feel they’ve been had after not receiving a free Palestine.
Police say several people were arrested today after finding out “With MMP, you get two votes” doesn’t mean what they thought it meant.
National and Labour have both received votes, and will continue to be referred to as the major parties out of respect.
John Campbell describes the first results as extraordinary. Lisa Owen points out there aren’t many of them yet. Campbell says that’s what makes them so extraordinary.
First results are in. TVNZ’s expert panel agrees these are some of the earliest results they’ve seen tonight.
With voting over, New Zealand First candidates have been given the green light to be openly sexist. Candidates were reportedly unaware they had ever been restricted.
Electoral staff have begun opening boxes, and report that they appear to be full of honey, honeycomb, and a surprisingly large number of bees.
Polls have closed. Voters still in line are allowed to vote, but are asked not to enjoy it.
Nation relieved to discover that weather is still occurring.
New Zealanders encouraged to make the most of the final few minutes of democracy before it is handed back to politicians.
