In an apparent concession today, the Australian Government appeared to acknowledge, for the first time, that global warming “may be happening” and that mankind may even be responsible for it.
But Prime Minister Tony Abbott says that, even if it is happening – and even if we’re responsible – that people need not worry.
“What few don’t realise,” he wrote in an official press release today, “is that global warming may actually bring with it a large series of great blessing, heretofore unthought-of.”
The press release contained an extensive list of reasons that global warming will benefit everybody, and included the following items:
- By the year 2048, Australians may be able to reliably cook chicken on the pavement.
- No more David Attenborough documentaries about Antarctica.
- No more stupid kids’ movies about penguins.
- Increased risk of in-laws dying in a heat wave.
- More hurricanes worldwide ultimately means better television, and less boring CNN documentaries about starving kids.
- With rising global temperatures, particularly in Australia, no need to worry about boat people going cold.*
- Similarly, no need to worry about homeless people freezing to death.*
*May be negligible, as Government doesn’t really worry about these things anyway.
- Rising sea levels mean that, in 30 years, all Australians will live closer to the beach.
- No more smug Facebook pictures of your friends in the Maldives.
- Dry, desolate wasteland that is Australian outback won’t seem so bad anymore, as most other countries won’t look any different.
- All beef will be pre-cooked straight from the cow.
- Tales of mythical glaciers will make today’s young people more interesting to their grandkids.
- Ungrateful grandkids wouldn’t even appreciate a still-functioning environment anyway.
- Cold drinks will be at least three times more refreshing.
- Oceans should nicely cover up French and American nuclear testing atrocities of the 1950s and 1960s.
- Best case scenario, climate becomes too hot for human beings to survive, thereby saving the planet.