What’s in the Budget?

Thursday, 16 May 2013

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The Civilian takes a look at what you’ll find in this year’s Budget.

$1.7 billion to buy back Mighty River Power after Tony Ryall began missing it.

$1 billion to build roads that go around Hamilton instead of through it.

$200 million for construction of single unaffordable house.

$125,000 to Christopher Finlayson’s ongoing investigation into who framed Roger Rabbit.

$88 for Steven Joyce to receive a visit from Dick Smith’s Clever Dick service.

$64 for Bill English to get his printer fixed.

$238 to buy Bill English a new printer after that fails.

$540 million for Tauranga rebuild.

$57 to buy all MPs name tags so that everyone will know who they are.

$65,000 to bolster the Government’s strategic reserve of anti-Australian jokes.

$500 in legal fees for Colin Craig.

$800 million to Gore, just to see what happens.

$6 million for an awareness and policing campaign to ensure mixtures only have proper lollies, and not the ones nobody likes, such as black jellybeans and those chalky things.

$2 million to buy copies of 2013 Budget for impoverished families.

$2.79 to reimburse Shane Ardern for that time he had to run down to the Star Mart when the office was out of toilet paper.

$5 million to explore what more the Government could be doing with jigsaw puzzles.

$20,000 to send Tony Ryall to Space Camp.

$300 for that bubblegum Michael Cullen once promised.

$240,000 to see if we can get Sam Neill in some more Hollywood movies.

$30,000 for production of Air New Zealand safety video starring Maurice Williamson.

$170,000 for undercover double agent speech writer for David Shearer.

$20,000 to figure out why a McDonald’s deluxe cheeseburger costs less than a regular one.

$236,000 for more cows in schools.

$250 million to make the transformers in the national grid look more like the ones in the movie Transformers.

$900 million to rename the country “A Yellow Submarine” for one day so that we can all sing “We all live in a yellow submarine.”

$50,000 to buy iPredict shares in Labour to win the next election.

$3 billion to get rid of rivers, so they stop flooding and getting all polluted.