New Zealand has won its first gold medal at the Rio Olympics today, after securing first place in the gruelling binge drinking competition.
The New Zealand Olympic binge drinking team, made up of the majority of the kiwi athletes in Rio, was found passed out in and around a sewerage tank near Maracana Stadium in the early hours of the morning, Brazilian time.
They were deemed to have won the competition after being the team to test with the highest combined blood alcohol level without dying.
Only the Australian team tested higher on the blood alcohol scale, but were disqualified, as the majority of them passed away.
Prime Minister John Key today said the result was “fantastic,” TVNZ’s Mike Hosking said “bloody good on them,” and Radio New Zealand’s John Campbell remarked that the win represented “a little ray of light in the darkness of our binge drinking culture.”
“I think you’d have to say, for all the pain and suffering that families have experienced as a result of binge drinking, for something like this to happen is bloody marvellous,” he said this evening, on Checkpoint. “No pain, no gain, is what they say, and it’s a testimony to the fact that hard work really does pay off in the end. Good on you, New Zealand.”
Equestrian Mark Todd was the only member of New Zealand’s binge drinking team in condition to speak to media after the win.
“Fuck,” he said, holding his head in his hands, before collapsing.
Todd has subsequently asked for panadol, or preferably codeine.
The silver and bronze medals for binge drinking went to Belarus and Russia, respectively.
For a viewing schedule of other Olympic events, check out our schedule page.