August 21st
4:20am: 200m run out of ideas.
August 20th
1:35am: First to the top of the giant Jesus.
2:40am: The 50m tall tale
3:40am: Condom balloon animals
6:20am: The ‘spelling the dejeenero bit’ spelling bee
7:00am: Best drink made out of only two limes, a tangelo, a pine cone, and bodily fluids.
August 19th
2:10am: Racing with the handbrake on
2:30am: 200m sprint control group
4:00am: Bomb diffusal finals [cancelled due to lack of surviving athletes]
7:25am: Watch Shakur Stevenson lose to Vladimir Nikitin in boxing semi-finals
8:00am: Men’s 400m emotional hurdles
August 18th
All events cancelled due to strange atmospheric conditions but everything is definitely fine.
August 17th
4:00am: Pretending you’re smoking while it’s really cold
5:30am: Wine tasting finals
7:40am: Sticking paper together with a Bic glue stick
9:00am: Distinguishing Jimmy Fallon’s fake laughter from his genuine laughter
11:20am: Men’s football injury faking semi-finals
August 16th
1:30am: Dinner table etiquette
5:30am: Olympic snakes and ladders course built out of actual snakes and actual ladders
6:00am: Men’s 200m butterfly
7:00am: Men who aren’t Michael Phelps’ 200m butterfly
8:15am: Maintaining eye contact with man with enormous tumour
August 15th
All events cancelled due to massive orgy in Olympic village
August 14th
12:45am: Hurdles while all coked up like Scarface or some shit
3:30am: Last opportunity for athletes to trade in five bronze medals for one silver, or five silver medals for one gold
5:15am: National anthem mouthing finals [medal goes to athlete who can most quietly mouth their national anthem while still technically singing it]
7:00am: Men’s and women’s tennis octuples
8:25am: “That’s what she said” competition
August 13th
All events cancelled due to acid rain
August 12th
12:30am: Trust fall over spikes
2:15am: Scheduling conflict will see athletes compete in pole-vaulting event on bicycles
4:15am: Casual racism competition
10:40am: That one trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb off quarter-finals
August 11th
1:20am: Women’s 5km Pokemon Go egg-hatching race
2:00am: Bullshitting your way out of a parking ticket quarter-finals
5:00am: Postmodern obstacle course where the only obstacle is you
6:10am: Minute’s silence and tribute event for Harambe
August 10th
1:50am: Quadruple entendre finals
3:30am: Minute’s silence and commemoration of horrific events that took place at Estadio Mineirao on July 8th, 2014
6:40am: Women’s 100m backstroke with cement shoes
9:00am: Men’s auto-fellatio semi-finals
August 9th
12:00am: Switching between hundreds of tabs without accidentally closing any
1:00am: Drunk driving
2:20am: Olympic lolly scramble
3:40am: Men’s 500m dine n’ dash
4:05am: Ages 80+ synchronised dying
5:30am: 20km sprint
6:00am: Pizza delivery to Olympic officials
7:40am: Bottle flip challenge
8:20am: Understanding what happened in The Matrix Revolutions
9:30am: Women’s Acrobatic Fencing and Christopher Walker Impression Doubles
10:00am: Holding a scalding hot cup of tea
2:10pm: The Great Rio Rubbish Pickup
11:30pm: Rowing demolition derby
In addition to the above schedule, every two hours, TVNZ’s Peter Williams will update New Zealand’s medal tally live from his bed.