As polls close across the nation, National voters are likely to be more than a bit surprised by what they voted for today.
Due to electoral law, all politics is banned in New Zealand from midnight on election day through to polls closing at 7pm. Nothing can be published that may, in any way, sway anyone’s vote, including but not limited to house prices, rugby scores, and even the weather, which some believe is controlled at the highest level of our government.
It’s that cover of darkness that allowed National to quietly do this morning what they’ve been planning to for a long time: replace no longer Prime Minister Christopher Luxon.
A caucus meeting was held early this morning at 6am, at which a secret ballot was taken to elect a new leader.
It’s understood that every MP in National’s caucus voted for themselves, with the exception of Simeon Brown, who, not wanting to take up a poison chalice, cast a different vote. But in a panic of not knowing who else to write down, and fast running out of time, Brown scanned the room and made a split second decision based on where his line of sight came to rest: on the caucus room sandwich press sitting just several feet away.
As chief whip Stuart Smith read out the votes, it appeared that everyone would be tied on a single vote.
“One vote for Tom Rutherford, one vote for Hamish Campbell, one vote for Andrew Bayly, one vote for Melissa Lee…” it went on on and on. “One vote for Paulo Garcia, one vote for Christopher Luxon, one vote for Dan Bidois, aaaaand two votes for the sandwich press.”
“Hang on,” interjected Tauranga MP Sam Uffindell. “There should be a vote for me in there.”
“Nope, there’s just one that says ‘the sandwich press’, and there’s one that says ‘Sam’,” replied Smith.
“Yeah, that’s me,” said Uffindell.
“Did you write that?”
“Well, you know I can’t say that.”
“Did you mean Sam Uffindell, or did you mean Samwidtch Press?” asked Smith
“I’m fairly certain he meant Samwidtch Press,” said Mark Mitchell, as other MPs nodded in agreement.
“Yes, definitely the sandwich press,” echoed Barbara Kuriger. “This is a secret ballot, we can’t go talking about intent or anything like that. It’s what it says on the paper, and it says Sam, which clearly means samwitch press.”
Despite Uffindell’s meagre protests, the sandwich press was elected leader of the National Party.
The new leader was unveiled later this morning at a press conference that could be neither broadcast live nor reported upon. Flanked by its new deputy leader, Simeon Brown, the sandwich press sat silently, unplugged due to the podium being too far away from a power outlet.
“It’s not on at the moment,” noted Brown. “But it’s quite impressive when it is.”
Brown was quizzed on the new direction of the party, and asked whether he thought it was really a good idea to have a largely inanimate new leader that needed to be plugged in, as opposed to the previous leader, who only needed to be plugged in periodically.
“Wouldn’t it be better, to you know, have a leader that speaks?” asked Stuff political editor Jenna Lynch.
“Well, yeah,” said Brown. “But this makes sandwiches.”
“It doesn’t really make sandwiches though, does it? It just sort of… presses them together,” she pointed out.
“And heats them,” said Brown. “But yes, you do, you do still have to make the sandwich.”
The developments raise new questions about the wisdom of the election day blackout laws, and the way in which they may withhold from voters information which could be crucial to their decision. Voters we spoke to this afternoon, who had already cast their ballots, were disappointed and angry to learn of today’s developments, saying that had they known the leader was not Christopher Luxon but in fact a sandwich press, they would’ve voted for National.