United Nations weapons inspectors who were dispatched to Syria last week have reported back to the international body today, saying that while they didn’t find any concrete evidence of a chemical attack by the regime of Bashar al-Assad, they did find “all kinds of neat stuff,” and “really quite enjoyed the experience.”
At a formal media briefing today, representatives of The United Nations Monitoring, Verification and Inspection Commission (UNMOVIC) said that while their findings failed to produce any conclusive evidence of the use of chemical nerve agent sarin gas, they did find “these cool shell casings” and “really old looking rocket launchers and stuff.”
Inspectors also reported seeing some “wicked sick” street art, and “a snake at one point.”
The UN’s findings come after two weeks of intense discussion in the international community over whether to intervene in the Syrian civil war, following the emergence of reports that President Assad may have used weapons of mass destruction to massacre his own people.
But U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said today that it wouldn’t deter the United States from considering military action, and that the discovery of cool stuff in Syria only added to the case for intervention.
“What we’re hearing now is reports of hundreds upon hundreds of awesome weapons out of Syria,” said Kerry. “We’re hearing stories of children wearing bandanas and holding pistols, of women making really impressive homemade bombs and of men using some pretty old, pretty rare military equipment.”
“America cannot, will not, stand idly by and let this neat stuff go uncollected,” he added.
British Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be mulling a second vote on intervention, believing the House of Commons may reconsider their decision from last week if they knew about some of the novel things they might find in Syria’s war-ravaged city streets.
Upon being questioned further by media today, UNMOVIC admitted that its inspectors didn’t go “anywhere near” the suburb of Damascus where the chemical weapons attack is said to have taken place, because it was “fucking scary down there.”