Much of the nation has spiralled into disarray following a PR stunt carried out by chocolate company Whittaker’s on Monday morning, with many New Zealanders questioning what other truths they hold near and dear might actually be lies borne out by a cruel and cynical world from which the only escape is death.
The stunt, which depicted the supposed collision of a Whittaker’s delivery truck with Paeroa’s iconic giant L&P bottle, initially engendered surprise and concern from locals and social media users.
But the concern later gave way to a paralysing existential crisis as it was revealed the collision was only a hoax designed to promote Whittaker’s new L&P-infused chocolate.
Talkback lines were flooded with calls from previously-inert bags of tissue and bone, terrified by the prospect of a society where things aren’t merely black and white, but possibly also a shade of purple.
“Those snow storms that didn’t happen properly,” said one caller, “were they just The Pakeha Party trying to blanket the country in white? I didn’t pay ‘em $5 to carry out nonsense, I didn’t. I paid ‘em $5 to get us stuff.”
“What if the September earthquake was all a stunt for Glade Shake N Vac? I saw those blonde promo girls wandering about,” cried another, before asking if the radio station had any “freebies.”
Not all theories were accepted on talkback, however. Another caller’s suggestion that the 2011 Rugby World Cup was only a cleverly-disguised marketing ploy for MasterCard, Emirates, Heineken, and DHL was swiftly met with widespread derision.
The nation’s existential crisis has even reached Parliament, where a visibly frazzled MP Brendan Horan charged into the press gallery office and spent 37 minutes questioning reporters.
“What if Gareth Morgan is a superhero? What if balloons are an alien plot to get us to lock our air away? What if bread turns stale only because ducks have made it that way? What if gravity’s not actually a thing? Dinosaurs! Where are they these days?”
When asked to leave, Horan declared “I used to be on television”, and sat weeping quietly under a desk in the corner.
The stunt has also prompted participants in some existing stunts to come clean, with Hekia Parata revealing that Novopay was “just a wee joke,” and Christchurch mayor Bob Parker announcing that he is actually a refrigerator.
It is expected that society will collapse within three days.