Winston Peters learns to cook Chinese food, insists no more need for immigrants

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters has told a North Shore Grey Power meeting this afternoon that he has learned how to cook “that Chinese rubbish, or whatever it is these kids like to eat,” thus removing any possible need for Chinese immigrants to enter the New Zealand economy.

He said he felt that learning to cook sweet and sour pork and “that cashew stuff” was a necessary measure after successive governments failed to crack down on what he says is an “out of control” Asian immigration problem.

“We’ve been warning them about this for two decades now, but they never bloody well get it right,” he said. “If you think Mr. Key and his cronies are going to pony up and do what’s right by real New Zealanders, then by golly, you’ve got another thing coming.”

He then donned an apron and used a small portable stove to demonstrate the cooking of egg foo young.

“See?” he said. “I can make it fine. There’s no bloody need for them to do it.”

Peters then walked outside and proceeded to offer his moderately burnt creation to passing pedestrians and motorists.

“Come and get it!” he yelled, throwing the food at moving vehicles. “It tastes fucking terrible.”

Peters added that he was considering starting a prostitution ring “so no one needs the Chinese to do that, either.”