Ladies and gentlemen, loyal readers, confused Americans who accidentally found this in a Google search: as you will know, today we relaunched the Civilian with an eye towards the New Year and beyond.
But we did not do so under the most ideal of circumstances. For it was only two weeks ago, in Paris, that 12 human beings were brutally murdered, for having the temerity to offend a small but dangerous group of radical people.
Obviously, relaunching a new Civilian in light of such events could be, and has been, absolutely terrifying, with many countless hours spent huddled under our desks, hiding from our pens, in fear that – if allowed near them – we may accidentally draw a picture of the one true prophet, Muhammad Ali.
But we knew we couldn’t cower forever. We knew that it was important that, on our first day back, even if only briefly, we had to address this issue. We had to act, and send a strong message to fringe Islamic elements around the world, to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that we do not want to die, and please, please, don’t kill us.
We’ll behave. We promise.
So to those handful of potentially murderous jihadists in New Zealand, we want you to know that when you read the Civilian, you won’t see crude and reprehensible depictions of your prophet, or disgusting excuse-making for the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo.
No, instead, you’ll see a well-rounded team of fair-minded journalists who are absolutely committed to not dying. For us, it’s not just a hobby; it’s a long-term life goal.
You’ll notice that we’ve gone to the effort of adding to our banner one of the symbols that you best identify with: the flag of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant.
We also want to take some time here in this editorial, to inform our readers, contrary to propaganda media reports, that ISIL is actually a really great thing, and that you guys are doing some really awesome work around the world that many people may not have heard about.
We know that you’re not the murderous terrorists that the United States Government claims you are. You’re simply misunderstood, like Goebbels, or that woman.
For example, take a look at this guy: ISIL enforcer Shakir Wahiyib.
We believe that this image speaks for itself, and what it’s saying is “Top notch bloke”, “Great friends”, “Excellent fellow”, “Beautiful smile”, “Radiant” and “Beard?”
But you may have already known that.
So what is ISIL really doing along the borders of Iraq and Syria?
If you were to believe what you hear in popular western media, you would think that countless ISIL militants were marching across Iraq, slaughtering Shia Muslims and minority populations in an unprecedented wave of ethnic cleansing.
But in fact, this isn’t what is happening at all. Instead, cheerful Islamic State fighters are jubilantly traipsing across their rightful territory to distribute delicious candies to children, in perhaps the world’s largest Muslim Santa Parade.
And even if that isn’t what’s happening, does it really matter? We certainly won’t judge, because holy shit, please don’t kill us.
The majority of “Muslims” around the world say that you don’t represent them, that killing in the name of Islam is wrong, and that they represent a faith of peace. But really, what would they know? Their only point of reference is an entire life growing up with their culture and religion.
The Civilian is the first media organization in New Zealand that will refuse to ignore the threat from radical Islam. We won’t pretend that it doesn’t exist. We recognise the threat, and are prepared to surrender to it head on.
But we don’t just want to avoid being gunned down by Muslim extremists. We’re also concerned about threats out of the Catholic Church this week, and would really rather not be punched by the Pope, which is why we have opted to run a separate, smaller feature, on why the Pope’s mother was actually quite great, even if she was a dirty infidel.