Following careful reflection and consultation with friends and family, revered National MP Aaron Gilmore – who was widely tipped to be a future leader of the party – has decided to resign from Parliament and return to his civilian life as a successful multibillionaire who moonlights as a secret agent for an unknown organisation.
Gilmore – who is understood to be very popular with several people – made the announcement in a statement released to the press yesterday.
“It is after much thoughtful deliberation and with a very heavy heart that I announce my intention to resign as a Member of Parliament,” it read. “This is not a decision that I make lightly, and I understand that it is one that will have enormous ramifications on the political landscape that I leave behind.”
“While many in my party have urged me to stay, I feel as though I have no more to contribute to this parliament, which I have lifted up as much as I possibly could have. If they wish to improve themselves further, it is they who need to change.”
The announcement has left the National Party fearing for its electoral future, with party insiders privately expressing doubts about their chances at next year’s election now that Gilmore is gone.
Attempts by Labour to capitalize on the resignation have already begun.
“It is a sad, sad day when a national hero like Aaron Gilmore gives up on the government,” said Labour’s deputy leader, Grant Robertson. “Who really, with good conscience, can now defend them?”
Prime Minister John Key rejected the opposition’s narrative.
“Oh yeah, look, it’s sad for all of us to lose Aaron, but I trust he’s made the right decision,” he said. “Anyone who suggests this has anything to do with me or the government is just being a bit silly, frankly. Fact is, he’s clearly got a much better life out there.”
Once he has formally left Parliament, Gilmore will return to his seven acre mansion in Christchurch, where he will reside with his beautiful wife Jenny and two prodigy children, Blake and Evelyn, all of whom are reportedly okay with the thousands of attractive women he brings home each night.
Gilmore will be replaced in the House by former broadcaster Claudette Hauiti, who is entering politics to spend less time with her family.