Over the weekend, New Zealand’s favourite ball-handler Richie McCaw celebrated his honeymoon with his now-wife Gemma McCaw, who conspicuously has the same last name.
The McCaws rudely didn’t allow media access to their private honeymoon, so we don’t actually know what happened, or just how sweaty Richie’s wonderful thighs became.
But in lieu of actual coverage, here are five things that certainly could have happened, in that the physical laws of the universe allow for them:
1. Steve Hansen repeatedly interrupted the honeymoon with tearful, drunken phone calls about the lamentable state of his own marriage
Just when Richie finally thought he’d get a break from Steve Hansen’s all-consuming clinical depression, the current All Black coach totally spoiled the honeymoon by calling endlessly to congratulate McCaw on his “beautiful marriage”, a thinly-veiled comparison to his own.
“It’s just so wonderful that you have something like that,” he sobbed. “You’re very lucky. Fuck, I wish that I –”
It was at this point that Richie would interrupt Steve to tell him he was trying to have a candlelit meal with his new wife, but Hansen continued to sob down the phone for hours.
The McCaws insisted to their waitress that everything was fine with their meal, despite the sounds of loud crying and dry heaving.
2. Wayne Barnes refereed the honeymoon, and retroactively disallowed the 2007 French World Cup try
Wow! What a turnaround!
English referee Wayne Barnes agreed to referee McCaw’s honeymoon, and during proceedings, rumour has it he retroactively overturned the 2007 French forward pass that won them the World Cup quarter-final.
In light of the decision, the World Rugby Organisation has agreed the All Blacks are now the winners of the 2007 World Cup, having beat England in the semi-final and South Africa in the final, as according to international rugby laws, the All Blacks can never lose fairly.
Super!
3. Richie tamed a group of wild horses with his soothing voice and physical dominance, and birds of all species gathered to build an immaculate bed of straw for the newly-weds to make love upon.
It’s a standard part of any honeymoon, but Richie’s presence made this one extra special.
4. Richie regaled Gemma with the great tale of the time he saw Tana Umaga’s penis.
She’s heard it many times before, but she never tires of listening to Richie tell this one; he always leaves one little detail to the imagination until next time, so it’s never quite the same, and she never knows exactly what to expect.
5. During a lovedrunk frolic through Otago fields and pastures, Richie and Gemma stumbled upon a beautiful cave concealed by a gorgeous waterfall. Upon entering, McCaw discovered cave etchings depicting his ancestors, and the Great Rugby War of 1722.
After venturing even further into the cave, McCaw discovered the tomb of the great Richidous MacCawnigaunch, his great great great great great grandfather. The tomb called to him, and he opened it, whereupon he was bathed in a white light.
In an instant, McCaw ascended to the heavens, where he met an elderly but wise Jonah Lomu.
Lomu showed him – in vivid 3D with complimentary glasses – the horrors of the Great Rugby War, and told him of how his ancestors had interbred to ensure the purity of their rugby skills was passed down through generations.
“Am I dead?” asked McCaw, to which Lomu smiled, and told him “No, your time has not yet come.”
Lomu grasped McCaw’s wonderful thighs with both hands, and bestowed upon him great powers of lovemaking and animal husbandry.
Upon returning to Earth, he saw Gemma once again, and put both these skills to immediate use.