My golly, it’s been a strange couple of weeks, hasn’t it?
Firstly, my wife asked me to make dinner. That was surprising, and not really how things are supposed to work.
“You’re unemployed, Colin,” she says. That’s funny. I’m not unemployed. I’m the leader of the Conservative Party.
“You’re not the leader, Colin,” said the board, in a letter to me asking me to stop saying that I’m the leader. That’s funny, too. Only the leader has the authority to remove the leader, and if I’m not the leader, then who is the leader? It’s not Christine.
Secondly, passers by have started abusing me on my morning waddle; more than usual.
“Fuck you, Colin, you dirty creep!” yelled one woman. That wasn’t very nice. She yelled it quite loudly, too, which is why I’ve been forced to issue her with a notice of legal action on the grounds of defamation.
“Magic Hands Colin!” another man taunted. Thank you. I do have magic hands.
Thirdly, I ended up on trial in court and all my sexy sexts have been released for the world to read.
Ordinarily, I wouldn’t mind. I’m quite proud of my steamy sexy sexts, which demonstrate a wide use of erotic vocabulary, including all the essential words, like “naked” and “slept.”
I might have even included the winking emoticon here and there, though I do remember at least one occasion on which I couldn’t find it, and had to use the angry emoticon instead.
What I do mind is that they’re saying I sent these erotic steamy sexy sexts to my press secretary. I did, but it was entirely by accident, and anyone who actually reads them (please do so in a private place) will see that they were clearly directed at me.
While it is true that hundreds or more of them did end up on my press secretary’s phone, this could happen to anybody with a wife and an undetermined number of children. Let me provide you with a few examples.
All of these take place in the shower, and I encourage you to relax and fully visualise me in these situations:
One: I am in the shower. I am rubbing my naked body over with soap, while my phone rests on that little shelf thing that is often attached to the pipe below the shower head. I have just finished composing one of my most tantalising erotic steamy sexy sexts, and I am very excited to send it to myself.
I put down the soap on the shelf and pick up my phone to send it, when I realise I have forgotten to add something.
“You look very nice in your new dress,” I type to myself. Yes, that’s perfect, but it needs more. I put the phone down once again while I contemplate, and reach for the soap.
My magic hands fail me, though, and I pick up my phone again, thinking it to be the soap. As I rub my phone all over my naked body, the crevasses on my back take several unfortunate pictures, and send them, along with the tantalising erotic steamy sexy sext, to my press secretary. And my brother-in-law, but we’ll talk about that another time.
You’re beginning to see how this could happen to me on a regular basis.
Two: I am in the shower. I am using the detached shower head to wash myself in all kinds of hard to reach places you could certainly imagine, if you wanted to. My phone is outside the shower, on the floor, and it begins to ring. Naturally, it’s my press secretary.
In a hurry, I open the door, still holding the shower head in my hand, and accidentally direct it at my phone.
The high pressure centre of the stream selects “reject call with text message,” and then hits a series of letters in perfect combination to compose a surprisingly hot tantalising erotic steamy sexy sext.
I phone my lawyers at Chapman-Tripp, but they tell me I can’t sue my shower head for defamation.
Three: I am in the shower. I pick up my phone to send a smoking hot tantalising erotic steamy sexy sext, but instead of sending it to myself, I accidentally send it to my press secretary.
Four: I am in the shower. I am still dressed because I have forgotten how to undo these human daywears. I decide to shower with them still on, but my phone is in my pocket, and is regrettably not the latest model of Apple Phone 7. It takes on water, and malfunctions, sending multiple lewd hot smoking tantalising erotic steamy sexy sexts to my press secretary, as well as several abusive and threatening texts to members of the Conservative Party Board.
There are hundreds more examples like these, which I have submitted to the court.
Even if you don’t believe me (which I’m sure you do because it happens to all of us), just read some of these incredible lewd smoking hot tantalising erotic steamy sexy sexts I wrote:
- ‘I slept well because I dreamed that I was on your naked legs’
- ‘You are wonderful, you know what I mean by that’
- ‘If there were two of me, I’d marry you’
That second one is particularly spicy. Oof.
You’ll notice that nowhere in these spicy incredible lewd smoking hot tantalising erotic steamy sexy sexts do I name anybody. That’s because, like any straight married man who uses a mirror while having sex, I was talking to myself, much like in this other example:
- ‘I was asked many questions about you the other day, which I will come back to, but one was whether we had a “special” relationship. I believe we do.’
Indeed we do, Colin. Indeed we do.