Yesterday, New Lynn MP David Cunliffe was elected to be the new leader of the New Zealand Labour Party. But who is David Cunliffe? The Civilian takes a quick look at everything you need to know about the new opposition leader:
- Born in Te Aroha at age 0. Shepherds in the community were notified of his birth by the alignment of the stars.
- First entered Parliament in 1999 as MP for Titirangi, an electorate he managed so poorly that it was abolished before he could run for re-election.
- Made Health Minister in 2007 after Pete Hodgson was sacked for doing this.
- Has the wife and two children necessary to take on John Key.
- Has deep family roots in the Labour Party, and was even named after a washing machine manufacturer.
- Wants to challenge the post-1980s economic consensus that selling those buns from the free bun bin at the supermarket is a bad idea.
- Collects mirrors.
- Known for leaving scratchy and ominous-sounding voice messages on the phones of Chris Hipkins and Clayton Cosgrove.
- Sees the world in black and white. Can only perceive colour when the children of New Zealand have sufficient hope for the future.
- Enjoys shorts and other things.
- Takes his family on road trips over to the bay; makes a big deal about how much fun it is, makes a big deal about how great their breakfast is, insists on pouring maple syrup over kids’ pancakes so they can be fully aware how much they’re enjoying things.
- Can drive a tank, he’s pretty sure. Is fairly confident there are levers involved.
- While Health Minister, spent hours on the phone singing Dave Dobbyn’s Loyal to people on hold for Quitline.
- Likes to fish, but doesn’t intend to bring any to Parliament.
- Sleeps facedown on a New Zealand flag cushion.
- Has never been pictured in the same place at the same time as John Key, at least so far as a rudimentary Google image search would indicate.
- Wants to promote caucus unity by having everyone watch 20-minute video about teamwork, followed up by weekly team-building exercises and an anonymous drop box where MPs can leave written compliments to one another.
- Intends to confiscate all MPs’ phones to discourage destabilization. Has not ruled out fraping anybody.
- Says now that he is leader, peace is “breaking out” in his party, noting that peace in a Cunliffe Labour Party doesn’t just happen; rather, it is active and dynamic.