Sunday, 3rd November
3:00pm: Following an abrupt change of schedule on its final day, the 2013 Labour Party Conference is now over. Be sure to visit The Civilian tomorrow, when we’ll have a full editorial write-up on the event, and reveal whether or not David Cunliffe finally our signed our book.
1:40pm: Attempted to strike a deal with Cunliffe’s media handlers whereby David Cunliffe is the Best would be signed by David, on the condition that it could be kept by the Labour Party for fundraising purposes. No luck, but we still have hope that – when we intercept David personally – he will be entirely unable to resist the big picture of himself on the cover.
1:01pm: Just asked Chris Hipkins to sign his own book, David Cunliffe is the Best. He seemed perplexed that a significant number of his colleagues had already signed it, and we had an awkward exchange when he opened it to a page that contained a slightly homophobic passage.
We tried to explain to him that V.M. Rabolu travels throughout the universe in his dreams, and that he was simply describing homosexual lifestyles on the planet Mars. He was not impressed.
12:00pm: The Civilian is now en-route for the closing of the 2013 Labour Party Conference. In an attempt to get him to sign it, we have cleverly disguised our book from yesterday as a book titled David Cunliffe is the Best by Chris Hipkins & Clayton Cosgrove.
Will he sign it? Or will this entire conference have been for nothing?
Saturday, 2nd November
5:51pm: The Civilian will return to the Labour Party conference tomorrow for its third and final day, where we will make one last attempt to get Cunliffe to sign our book by disguising it as a book about him.
5:38pm: Following Cunliffe’s address, The Civilian rudely interrupted a stand-up media Q&A session with the Labour leader, where he denied rumours we started about the stability of his leadership.
When asked a question posed by our readers – whether he’d rather fight one elephant-sized duck or 1,000 duck-sized elephants – Cunliffe said that he’d rather fight “one John Key.”
He also refused to sign V.M. Rabolu’s Hercolobus or Red Planet, saying he thought it was “time to take this offline,” something we can only interpret as a veiled threat against our website.
We subsequently approached Deputy Leader David Parker for a second time, hoping that, once he saw his colleagues’ signatures in the book, he would succumb to the peer pressure. He continued to insist that he would need to “read it first,” but when we offered to let him do so, he declined.
3:57pm: Cunliffe closes his speech by asking members to “join with me in becoming the Sixth Labour Government.” Receives applause and standing ovation as he parts the audience, walks to the door, and stands awkwardly, not knowing what to do next.
3:47pm: “My father was a pig hunter. I used to follow him through the woods.” Cunliffe promises to follow New Zealand through the woods.
3:44pm: The Daily Blog’s Martyn Bradbury succumbs to his excitement about Cunliffe; forced to leave the room to clean himself up.
3:33pm: “Will John Key take the royal family to a closed sawmill in Rotorua or a boarded up tannery in Shannon?” David Cunliffe promises to take royal family to really shitty places, thus ensuring they will never visit again.
3:27pm: Cunliffe walking around on stage, avoiding the glass podium in fear of its transparency.
3:22pm: Cunliffe acknowledges David Shearer, Grant Robertson, and Shanes Jones in apparent attempt to rub it in.
3:21pm: David Cunliffe takes the stage, receiving an advance standing ovation, which the audience might regret if he says something racist.
3:16pm: Labour Party Conference enlists comedian as warm-up act for David Cunliffe, further cementing the role of humour as a tool to reinforce institutional power structures.
3:14pm: More pictures of Cunliffe staring at people earnestly, establishing that he is a normal person with empathy.
3:12pm: Lorde’s Royals playing in the main hall for the second time this conference. Pictures of David Cunliffe appear on screen to the backdrop of the lyrics “Let me be your ruler/And I’ll rule”
2:55pm: David Cunliffe set to announce a KiwiBank-style national insurer to cover damages not presently handled by overseas insurers, such as spilt coffee, and that awkward situation when your cat gets their claw stuck in the fabric of your shirt.
2:44pm: Just been handed an advance copy of David Cunliffe’s speech, which is full of punctuation and grammatical errors. Spoilers: Labour good. National bad. Will not stand idly by and watch the planet burn and children be impaled on their neighbours’ fences.
2:27pm: David Parker finishes introducing Warwick Business School professor Goran Roos. We didn’t listen to anything he said because he wouldn’t sign our book.
2:18pm: We’re seated two rows behind bomb-thrower Patrick Gower, who has somehow been placed in front of real journalists.
2:07pm: Just spent the last hour awkwardly interrupting MPs and asking them to sign V.M. Rabolu’s cautionary novella, Hercolobus or Red Planet. Deputy Leader David Parker refused, saying he’d “have to read it first,” but eight other MPs – including Grant Robertson and Dale Shearer – happily signed it without knowing what it was.
We’re now back in media seating in the main hall. President of the New Zealand Council of Trade Unions, Helen Kelly, is proving surprisingly able to deliver a substantive and energetic address, despite being both deaf and blind.
12:45pm: Arrived at the conference at the beginning of the lunch break. Contrary to charitable Labour Party values, no lunch is provided and members are forced to purchase food from a duopoly of tuck shops.
11:41am: The Civilian is just about to leave for Day 2 of the conference, where we’ll be covering David Cunliffe’s big leader’s address, and asking various MPs to sign obscure books for us.
11:35am: For those of you who wondered why The Civilian’s live blog abruptly ended last night, it was not, as speculated, because we were drunk and/or arrested.
Following the wrap-up of official ceremonies, the Labour Party courteously provided absolutely no direction to an after-event dinner function, where they provided complimentary venison in a venue that indicated they expected attendance to be in the order of about 12 people.
Rather than stand in line for two hours in a room where there was so little space that one could easily risk getting into an awkward homosexual position with Damien O’Connor, The Civilian opted to leave and get burgers.
Burgers were good.
Friday, 1st November
8:10pm: MC Megan Woods calls an end to official ceremonies, inviting members to partake in a real, working class meal of venison.
8:05pm: David Cunliffe gets on stage to dance with Samoan dance group. Dance quickly devolves into awkward swaying while clapping hands.
7:56pm: Phil Goff attempts to sit in the second row; gets told seat is taken, returns to back of the room.
7:50pm: Young members of performing Samoan dance group escorted off stage and out of conference by security for not having media passes.
7:44pm: The conference programme makes sure to clarify several times that the evening’s entertainment, a band called ‘The Eastern’, is “immensely popular.”
7:35pm: “I am inspired by the story of the crusaders,” says Lianne Dalziel, causing great discomfort amongst Muslim and Arab members of the audience.
7:28pm: Lianne Dalziel confesses she doesn’t know how to turn on a computer. “Someone had to show me,” she says.
7:24pm: 3 News Political Editor Patrick Gower quietly circulating letter of no confidence in the main hall.
7:12pm: David Cunliffe begins his opening address, says he walked into the wrong room earlier today; a transparent attempt to court elderly voters.
7:04pm: David Shearer finishes crying, and has only just arrived in the hall.
7:03pm: Christchurch Mayor Lianne Dalziel receives more applause than David Cunliffe. Coup rumours already beginning to spread.
6:54pm: Shane Jones now speaking in English. Media handlers looking nervous.
6:52pm: Shane Jones giving address in Maori so that most people won’t understand what he’s saying.
6:43pm: We are now seated in specially assigned media seating, awaiting David Cunliffe’s opening address. The most important Labour MPs are seated on stage, the less important ones in the front row, and Phil Goff at the back of the room.
5:50pm: Presently attending a media briefing. The party platform is being explained in some depth, but all we can focus on are the mints on the table in front of us.
5:20pm: The Civilian has arrived at the conference, where we were immediately blacklisted by half the people in the room after being seen talking to Martyn Bradbury.
On our person we have a number of books that we seek to get signed by as many Labour MPs as possible, including Homer’s The Odyssey, Shakespeare’s Othello, and Ian Wishart No. #1 Bestselling Author’s unauthorised biography of Helen Clark Absolute Power.
5:01pm: The 2013 Labour Party Conference is being held at the Wigram Air Force Museum in Christchurch, where the party seeks to solidify its long-standing association with old and suboptimal aircraft.