After Ireland’s historic victory against New Zealand at Soldier Field in Chicago yesterday, fears are beginning to mount among All Blacks leadership and fans alike, that rugby could become a dynamic game where multiple outcomes are possible.
“There is that fear among the fans I talk to, in any case,” said prolific sport commentator Scotty Stevenson. “New Zealanders love their rugby, because we always win and there’s not really even any point watching. It’s a total waste of a Saturday night, really. It’d be sad if we lost that.”
“I know a lot of people who were pretty downtrodden about what happened,” he added. “It was a really interesting game, quite close at times, spirited, great rugby from Ireland, and in the end, the underdog won, which was an incredible thing to witness, history in the making. We’re really hoping that doesn’t happen again.
“The northern tour was supposed to be, you know, these four easy wins, and now there’s real worry there might be exciting games on the horizon that are actually worth watching.”
Privately, those concerns are beginning to be shared by the New Zealand Rugby Union, who fear that kiwis may begin to lose interest in rugby if the All Blacks “can lose.”
But All Blacks assistant coach Wayne Smith says any talk of this is “premature,” and there’s “no immediate risk” of rugby becoming “dynamic” or “even interesting.”
“This is a one off event,” he said. “We have to look at this as a one-off event, and say ‘How do we prevent this happening again? How do we make the next three games extremely boring, 54-3 romps that will make other nations not even want to play this game?’ That’s the mindset we’re taking to Italy, and anything beyond that is unwarranted panic.”
Prime Minister John Key, who starts his week grappling with one of the only All Blacks losses to happen on his watch, shared that sentiment, saying he was confident that rugby would remain a “thoroughly uncompetitive” sport taken seriously “by only a few countries in the world.”
“Oh, yeah, look, I think most New Zealanders would agree that rugby is for New Zealanders,” he said. “Things happen, but I’ve spoken with Steve, I’m sure he’s had a chat with the boys, and at the end of the day, it probably won’t happen again.”
Asked if he thought it would ever happen again in the remainder of human civilization, Key replied “No.”
“Never?” he was asked.
“Never.”
In an attempt to move on from the loss, the All Black coaching team has begun drawing up scapegoats that it will present to the media tomorrow, including Scott Barrett, who was on debut in Chicago and has now lost 100% of his test matches, and Aaron Smith, who hasn’t won a game since having sex in a Christchurch airport disabled toilet.