New Zealand’s national meteorological service has extrapolated its data from the last 24 hours to determine that – at the current rate – it will never rain again, our nation’s farms will be devastated, and we will all die due to lack of water.
The news comes after a bomb low hit New Zealand over the weekend, bringing heavy winds and rain. But since it passed, rainfall has ceased, and according to recent observations, MetService reports that “this appears to be the way things are now.”
“This is obviously quite serious,” said MetService meteorologist Chester Lampkin, pointing to an enlarged picture of two men fisting one another.
“Actually, no, sorry, not that,” he said, changing the slide.
“This is obviously quite serious,” he reiterated, pointing to a large picture of the country covered in confusing letters and numbers. “What we have moving over New Zealand now is what we call a large no rain system, and it appears, at least for the moment, that it will never rain again.”
Lampkin said the implications of this were “obvious” and that the data was, unfortunately, “fairly conclusive.”
“At current rate, the average rainfall expected per day is 0,” he said. “The data we base this on contains a sample size of literally more than a thousand different minutes.”
Asked if New Zealanders should panic, Lampkin replied “Of course.”
The descent of the country into permanent drought was accompanied this evening by a gradual lowering of light levels that Lampkin says is heading in one direction, “and one direction only.”
“At the current rate, we’ll be plunged into darkness forever,” he said. “It’ll just get darker and darker until even our lights don’t work because it’s so dark.”
These warnings come just days after MetService reported that we would likely “all drown” after extrapolated data indicated it would just keep raining forever.
They were later forced to apologize for and withdraw that forecast, but maintained that “it certainly looked that way at the time.”