The New Zealand Ministry of Foreign Affairs is suspicious this afternoon after a box arrived at its headquarters that was meant to contain disgraced Malaysian diplomat Muhammad Rizalman Ismail, but actually appeared to contain a bewildered elderly man who is struggling to communicate to authorities in English.
The Foreign Ministry has been embroiled in a serious controversy this week after Mr. Ismail was accused of sexually assaulting a young woman while in New Zealand, and was initially returned home by Malaysia under diplomatic immunity.
A series of messy negotiations in recent days have led to Malaysia reconsidering those initial measures, and instead agreeing to extradite Mr. Ismail so that he may answer his alleged crimes before New Zealand courts.
In an effort not to cause tension between the two nations’ foreign ministries, Malaysia promised a “swift” extradition by international courier postage, and while the package did arrive today, it was not exactly as promised.
“What we’ve received this morning, apparently from the Malaysian Government, is a man in a box,” confirmed Foreign Minister Murray McCully. “Whether that man Mr. Ismail, is another matter entirely.”
Asked whether he believed the man was Ismail, McCully replied “No.”
Mail-handlers at the ministry, who spoke to media on the condition of anonymity, said the boxed man appeared only to know a single English sentence – “Hello, it is me: Muhammad Rizalman Ismail” – and was repeatedly asking when it would be “jail time.”
Despite doubts about the man’s identity, Malaysia is publicly insisting that the man in the box is in fact Ismail, and accused New Zealand authorities of being “demanding” and “picky.”
“In Malaysia, when we have someone accused of a crime, we ask the police to bring us a suspect,” said Malaysian Foreign Minister Anifah Aman. “We arrest that person, we try him, and in most cases, we send him to jail. We don’t get overly concerned and hung up about whether it’s the ‘right man’ or ‘Did he do it?’ or anything like that. We just get on and do our jobs, and we hope New Zealand can do the same.”
McCully would not rule out just trying the man received today, saying that, if worst comes to worst, “he’ll probably do.”
Sources close the Minister agree that this is likely, saying he is “tired” and “just wants all this over with.”
Those same sources suggested that McCully may have been initially cautious about the prospect of asking Malaysia to waive diplomatic immunity, as he was concerned it may jeopardise his future attempts to buy crack cocaine and “murk snitches” while travelling in Malaysia.