All Blacks coach and chronic depressive Steve Hansen has held a press conference this afternoon, following revelations that All Black Aaron Smith at very least made noises with a woman in a Christchurch Airport disabled toilet.
While news media has yet to report on the disturbance in the disabled toilet as anything more than a “rendezvous,” “tryst” or “incident,” some reports are emerging that Smith may have been “having sex” or otherwise “fucking raw.”
Hansen moved quickly this afternoon to respond to those reports.
“Certainly it does appear that Aaron might have – and I do say might have at this juncture – had sex in the – or one of the – disabled toilets at Christchurch International Airport last month, with a woman who was ostensibly not his girlfriend,” he read from a sheet of paper that appeared only to have a drawing of a sad face on it.
“This is news to me, and I suspect shocking news to most of the country, but I just want to reassure anyone who might be worried that this kind of thing happens on a regular basis.”
Hansen said that as far as he was aware, the All Blacks do “not normally” have sex, and there would be strict disciplinary meetings with anyone who was found to.
“As has been widely reported in New Zealand media, the All Blacks are not like you or me. They are morally pure beings, without carnal urges, many do not even have penises, which is why it’s particularly shocking to me that Aaron would have done this.”
Hansen said he was especially disturbed by the infidelity implied in the encounter, saying that All Blacks fans had a right to feel comfortable that, when a player scored a try, he had never lain with anyone other than his partner.
“When that crucial try is scored,” he said, “we want to be able to yell ‘Go Savea, you bloody beaut, and also I know full well that you have never been unfaithful!’”
There was “no point” in cheering on a try scored by an adulterer, he said.
Aaron Smith will not play in the upcoming test against South Africa, and has been sent home to think about what he’s done, something he says he’s looking forward to.