A 22-year-old man has reportedly made it through the entire Christmas and New Years holiday period without dying in a shocking and untimely manner; a turn of events that has brought great relief to his friends and relatives.
Martin Gerrard, who went back to work on Monday, was discovered by his parents on Wednesday night, who were shocked to find his still-living body in a car outside his home.
Initial reports indicate that the car may belong to Gerrard.
“I am alive,” said Gerrard, who, at the time of writing, had not been involved in a car or plane crash, was not assassinated by terrorists, did not drown, or perish in a freak accident involving a faulty tap.
He is believed to be only the third person to appear in the news this year while still breathing. The other two individuals are now dead.
Gerrard’s parents, Sophie and Tim, neither of whom wished to be named, said they felt their son had “practically returned from the dead.”
“We’ve been reading the newspapers all Christmas and New Years,” said Ms. Gerrard, “and all we’ve seen is this person’s dead, and that person’s dead, and this person got his head stuck in the barbeque fish-holder or something, and so we just assumed Martin was dead.”
“It’s quite nice that James is still alive,” added Mr. Gerrard.
“No, it’s Martin who’s alive,” Ms. Gerrard corrected him. “James is dead.”
Police say that more deaths could be prevented if the human consciousness was not so reliant on the “general body area.”