In an effort to get back to work and stop wasting his time watching people make bread, Prime Minister John Key has commissioned a lifelike wax mould of himself that will attend public events, visits and ceremonies in his stead.
Key, who believes that hours upon hours of staring at other people work is detracting from his ability to do his own job, said that while he enjoyed cutting ribbons and listening to ordinary New Zealanders speak in excerpts from his future campaign speeches, he really, really needed to do some “serious Prime Minister stuff, okay?”
Speaking to media about the new wax mould yesterday, Key explained to One News Political Editor Corin Dann that repeated trips to obscure destinations such as Te Puke, Mosgiel or Pukekohe had become both “pointless” and “boring.”
“Well, yeah, look, all I’m saying, Corin– is that really your name? Corin? Okay, well, up to you. But all I’m saying Corin, is that yeah, you might want to show me some drawing your kid made or the inside of a factory, and that’s fine. You get some nice pictures out of that, some nice memories. But actually, being Prime Minister is a lot of work, and frankly, I’m really quite behind.”
Key said he enjoyed meeting with children at preschools and primary schools around the country, but that it was apparent when he talked to them that they “didn’t know shit.”
“I think most New Zealanders would agree that wee kiddies are pretty cute,” he explained. “But really they don’t know much about what’s going on in our country and actually I’d say they’re a bit misinformed.”
Key promised the wax mould would be “freely and readily available” wherever it was needed, and would potentially allow him to attend even more building openings and school assemblies than before.
Today Key is traveling in England, where he has met with British Prime Minister David Cameron and London Mayor Boris Johnson. It is as yet unclear whether the John Key who attended these events was the real one, though reporters believe they should be able to tell once Johnson stops talking.