Recent moves by ducks to create groups of smaller ducks may be part of a wider duck effort to overthrow society, an observer says.
For several weeks ducks around the country have been spotted accompanied by squadrons of smaller ducks, colloquially referred to as “ducklings”. The number of these ducklings has grown significantly as winter has drawn to a close.
Writing for online echo chamber Stuff Nation, Napier husband-of-two Sam Martin has theorised that this is evidence the nation’s ducks are planning to stage a revolution in the coming months.
“Look at how the little ducks follow the big ducks,” Martin wrote, “and then look at how soldiers move about in groups. It’s pretty clear that they’ve learnt from us and are now planning to use our military tactics against us.
“There are lots of ducks already. Why would they be adding more if they weren’t planning something?”
Martin suggested this plan has been in place for some time, pointing to duck efforts to manipulate food supplies.
“How many times have we been conned into giving bread to ducks?” Martin asked, before moving on without an answer. “Just look at what happened when it almost snowed earlier in the year: our supermarkets ran out of bread. Ducks have been trying to achieve this for years, and now they see what chaos it causes, they’ve started amplifying their numbers.”
Defence Minister Jonathan Coleman said the government was taking the theory “kind of seriously”.
He said the Air Force would be investigating options for controlling the threat, once personnel figured out how to turn its planes back on.
“Obviously we take any and all threats to national security sort of seriously,” he said. “Birds have a history of causing us problems, which is why we maintain an extensive monitoring programme to identify and destroy any moa or Haast’s Eagle that might pop up again.”
Green Party coca cola leader Dr. Russel Norman said the concern over the ducks was diverting attention from more important issues.
“Why is nobody concerned about mini MallowPuffs?” he asked, hoisting aloft a half-eaten bag of MallowPuff Bites. “Why are these a thing?”
Calls to Griffin’s regarding the MallowPuffs went unanswered, but a lone duck was sighted outside their headquarters last evening, reportedly shifting its narrowed eyes side to side.