The Reserve Bank of New Zealand has made a surprise announcement this afternoon, saying that it no longer recognises “dollars, notes and money” as a form of currency, and is instead recognising potato chips as the “only means” with which to buy and sell goods for value.
The sudden change – one most economists did not forecast – was initially announced quietly this afternoon in a three-sentence press release issued to media.
“Dear everybody,” it read. “Money is no longer currency. All potato chips are now currency. Thank you. Smileyface [sic]”
The announcement sent financial markets into a panic, with investors and brokers not having any idea what to do, said New Zealand Stock Exchange CEO Tim Bennett.
“I think we’re all just reeling a little bit,” he said. “We’re not really sure how to handle this. Investors are unsure whether to buy or sell; I mean, the value of these companies is now somewhat dependent on how many potato chips they have.
“Actually, when you think about it, it’s a little bit unfair.”
Supermarkets across the country scrambled to remove potato chips from their shelves, later realising that they didn’t have to, as no one had any means with which to buy them.
Upper Hutt supermarket-goer Tracy Hammond, mother of three, said she was turned away from her local New World after not being able to pay for any of the food she was attempting to purchase.
Hammond said she was “frustrated” that she would now “probably die.”
22-year-old Victoria University student Jack Kelly, who ate six bags of potato chips in his flat last night, said he felt now like he had eaten his life savings.
“Yeah, it’s a little bit annoying,” he told media, as a Kelburn fish and chip shop was looted behind him. “They were just ready salted, though, so I’m not sure they would’ve been worth much anyway.”
Reserve Bank Governor Graeme Wheeler has yet to comment on the decision, but was seen purchasing four trolley loads of Bluebird chips – in various flavours – last night.
A friend of Wheeler’s told media that she didn’t think anything of it at the time, and merely assumed he was “very hungry.”
Today’s announcement is likely to be a large windfall for student flats, as economists believe they have more loose potato chips in their couches than actual money.
Finance Minister Bill English intends to hold a press conference tomorrow morning, but said the Government would likely not provide assistance to those in need of potato chips, as the decision to make them currency was “a long time coming” and “should have been fairly obvious.”