Following a series of reports suggesting that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, may have worked as an illegal immigrant in 1995, the Republican Presidential Candidate* has announced that “fair is fair” and she’ll have to go home to Slovenia.
He delivered the news while speaking at a rally in Portland, Maine today.
“She has to go home folks,” he said to a raucous crowd, holding his hands out on either side, shrugging. There were scattered boos. “No, no, no. She has to go home. That’s what I say, right? They can come in, but they have to come in legally.”
The crowd cheered enthusiastically, before Trump brought his wife on stage to “say a few words.”
She leaned into the microphone.
“I understand,” she said, before backing away.
The crowd applauded.
“See, isn’t she lovely folks? What a woman, jeez. But she has to go back. Bye bye.”
He waved to her, smiled, and delivered a lingering thumbs up as she was escorted off stage by security.
“Boy oh boy,” he continued. “So, that’s that, and they’re saying that I’ve had a great week, that this is the best week of the campaign by far. Don’t you think it’s been a great week, folks? I think it’s been a great week.”
The crowd began chanting “Trump, Trump, Trump!”
“Oh we’re going to win big, we’re going to win so big,” he said. “So I was watching Hillary this morning– isn’t it a shame about Melania? Oh isn’t it a shame? I hate to see that. But it’s time to be tough, you know it. This guy up front, right here, he knows it. It’s time we got tough, because there’s something going on.
“There is something going on, and we don’t know what’s going on, but it’s something, right? It’s something, but Obama, and Crooked Hillary – I call her Crooked Hillary – they don’t even want to know what’s going on.
“So what we have to do is, we have to get tough, we have to get tough on our borders, until we can find out what’s going on. And that includes my wife – ‘cause you know, she’s Slavic, or Russian or something – and people say ‘Oh, Donald, but Slovenia, that’s not like, Syria.’ She’s from Slovenia, she’s from Slovenia, you’ve probably never even heard of this place, right? I mean, I hadn’t even heard of this place.
“And it’s not like Syria, it’s not quite like Syria, but it’s not like England, or Sweden. It’s actually pretty close to Syria, I think, and we don’t know what’s going on there. We don’t know what’s going on, so you gotta be smart, folks. You have to be smart, because other countries are looking at us, and we’re like, idiots, okay? Okay.”
Melania will leave for Slovenia tomorrow, along with her son Barron, who, while born legally to Donald and Melania, does speak fluent Slovenian.
*Not an error.