By Christopher Luxon.
“I don’t know how to be any clearer with you, mate.”
That’s what I said to a Press reporter yesterday when he asked me whether I would still be open to working with the O party, Opportunity.
He was immediately rude to me, saying that I could be clearer, that I could use words like “No” and “Yes” and “100%” and “Right on.”
But I wasn’t saying it wasn’t possible. It was a cry for help. I really don’t know. I need someone to help me. This is a nightmare.
I don’t really know where it all began, but I used to be able to be clear. I’d say, “I’ll have the marmite,” or “I like the Fruju Tropical Snow.” I used to pass people going the other way on the footpath and settle on a side in no less than 4 attempts.
At Air New Zealand, I still had it. I strategically aligned us to laser focus on a range of deal-closing strategies, and successfully transitioned thousands of people to unemployment. When I’d leave the room after a board meeting, I’d hear people whisper to each other “clear.” I thought “great.”
But then John Key told me to do politics. He called up National and said I was leader now. Suddenly people were asking me questions, pointed questions, like do I have any numbers? (I didn’t know there were numbers, I was just leader now, John said so), or how many houses do you own? (I should be clear to you here that it is a series of houses).
Mike Hosking got stuck into me when he asked me whether I’d have fired Andrew Bayly if he hadn’t resigned.
“That’s a hypothetical,” I said.
“But would you or wouldn’t you have?”
“Well it’s a hypothetical, Mike”, I reiterated, clearly. Or so I thought. But Mike said I wasn’t clear. He said it a lot.
I wasn’t sure why. I’d given the right answer; it was a hypothetical, a hypothetical that relied entirely on the premise I knew who that was.
It started to creep its way into my marriage. Amanda asked me when I’m home from Wellington what I’d like for dinner. That presented a series of clear challenges. She didn’t seem happy with that answer but I don’t know what else you’d say about it.
I also couldn’t understand what was wrong with the shopping list – I very clearly outlined a range of foodstuff categories that would get our family back on track. Apparently it was bad enough the shopping bill got down to $60.
When I met Barack Obama, he said “let me be clear”, a lot, and then he’d say something that wasn’t clear at all. It was very confusing. Maybe I didn’t know what clear was anymore.
It’s not that I’m not trying. I just need a good decision-making training pathway, or a behavioural competency framework, or four hours of professional development and networking at The Viaduct.
Every night, when I make the transition to sleep, I think, “how can I have expressed our clear position on this even more clearly so I can keep talking about how consistent I’ve been?”
Which is why, in July, I announced very clearly that there would be an election, and that after that election, I was ruling out working with the O party.
When I was asked why, the media misheard me to say “land tax”, but I’d actually said I was against their policy to “kill cats”. Apparently they got rid of that policy. Now I find out they’re not all that fussed about the land tax either.
But it didn’t matter, because finally I felt I’d been clear. People called me stupid, and a dickhead, said I was foolish, and that I’d “lose the election.” All sorts of things, and none of them that I hadn’t been clear.
Until now. I don’t know what happened. All I did was say clearly that I’d work with whoever we need to to remain in power. But I am ruling out O. And Labour. And the Maori party. And the Greens. And Boko Haram, on a case-by-case basis.
I’m not saying we won’t go into coalition with them, just that we’re ruling them out.
That’s been very consistently our position. In fact, maybe I am clear. Maybe I just need to explain more how clear it is.
The Civilian asked party leaders a yes or no survey question about whether they’d be open to working with Opportunity. Hipkins, Swarbrick, Waititi, Peters, Seymour and Wong replied yes. Luxon sent us this whole fucking thing.