Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, apparently dissatisfied with the way in which his death is being mourned in Saudi Arabia and abroad, has awkwardly called a temporary halt to his own elaborate death hoax, so that he might instruct his people on how they could better express their emotions over his passing.
King Abdullah, who pretended to pass away on Friday in order to witness his funeral and other remembrances, had not anticipated returning to the public eye prior to his actual, eventual death.
But sources close to the former King said he felt he was left with no other choice when reaction to his passing was “nothing like he expected.”
“There were some things he liked,” said Aadil Al-Abbasi, a close personal aid to the former ruler. “For example, he was pretty stoked to receive such kind words from both President Obama and Senator John McCain.
“He did keep a list of U.S. senators who didn’t praise him, but you know, it isn’t that long. And he was pleasantly surprised to be called a ‘champion for women’, because, really, that doesn’t even make any sense, which is actually the sort of praise you expect when you die like that.
“Unfortunately, though, for the most part, people just didn’t seem sad enough.”
Al-Abbasi said the King had described public mourning practices as a “complete shit show,” in which some street-goers had been seen with dry eyes and “only frowns,” while crowds waving pictures of him had chosen low resolution files that had been blown up and pixelated.
Not content to leave the situation as it was, and fearing what an upcoming state funeral might look like, King Abdullah addressed his people on national television this afternoon.
“Okay,” he began, to a perplexed audience of millions. “So I was not actually dead. Praise be to Allah that I was not, because none of you have any idea how to mourn.”
Abdullah ranted at length for over an hour, describing in intricate detail household mourning practices that ought be followed, while also lamenting that his body had been carried to the Imam Turki bin Abdullah mosque on a rug that was “pretty ugly” and “not my favourite,” and had not been accompanied by flowers or swords.
“No one, either here or around the Muslim world,” he said, “should be at all shy about burning their most precious valuables in my name. And please, if you are going to enlarge and adorn a picture of me with flowers and candles, don’t just choose the first thing you see on Google image search.”
Abdullah concluded by reminding his people that he “could be dead again pretty soon,” so “you’d better remember this stuff.”
He later personally took to the streets, tearing up some mourners’ signs, and writing them new ones that he described as a “better fit.”
Within the last hour, early reports out of Saudi Arabia suggest that King Abdullah may have died again; news that, if true, would come as a great shock to the Saudi people.