Overrun with a torrent of applicants seeking to reignite their political careers, or who are unwelcome in other parties on character grounds, New Zealand First has tightened its criteria for accepting new candidates for this year’s election.
Faced with a surplus of candidates attempting a lukewarm comeback, from Alfred Ngaro to Ron Mark, (and formerly Stuart Nash), deputy leader Shane Jones said the changes were “unfortunately necessary.”
Previously, New Zealand First was accepting homeless politicians who didn’t know what else to do with their life on the basis that they were either washed up, disgraced, and/or had committed at least two serious racisms.
The party had also allowed one racism and two sexisms.
“But the waka is getting a little heavy,” sighed a tired Jones, holding tight to a crayfish he was struggling to finish. “So now, what we’re saying is, it’ll be two racisms, and washed up, or washed up and disgraced, or… it’ll be two out of three. Two out of three.”
The timing of the move will be a relief for New Plymouth councillor Murray Chong, who has been announced as a candidate just before the cutoff.
Chong qualified under the old rules, having previously flown a confederate flag and made numerous social media posts of a colourful nature.
Aware of the coming changes, Chong’s lawyer had contacted the party to argue that being a councillor in New Plymouth was by itself being washed up, but any dispute over that now won’t be necessary.
New Zealand First has been referring other washed up candidates to the ACT Party, pointing to the example of Paul Henry, who they note has been doing perfectly well for himself.
While the move will close the door to a lot of hopeful ex-politicians, it may clear the way for others, such as former Conservative Party leader Colin Craig, who is both long washed up and many times disgraced, including at least four times in court.
“Overqualified. Overqualified. Yes,” Jones acknowledged. “But we haven’t heard from him.”
It is unclear whether anyone has heard from Craig, or whether he is even still alive.
A small makeshift memorial has been set up for the businessman outside his favourite haunt, the High Court in Auckland. It will be removed if he is ever found.