Campaigns are usually something of a cold war, with parties vying for supremacy without direct confrontation. But this campaign could be poised to turn hot, as Labour has sought to stop the Greens’ incursion into their turf by backing a different gang to them.
With the Greens offering at least a tacit endorsement to the Mongrel Mob at a recent absolutely-not-a-campaign-event event, Labour leader Chris Hipkins has been feeling increasingly threatened, and in a bid to defend his ever-shrinking territory, has turned to perhaps the Mongrel Mob’s oldest rival, Grey Power.
Hipkins this morning made the pilgrimage to Grey Power Headquarters in Pukekohe, where he was greeted by President David Marshall, who welcomed the Labour leader’s call to “beat up some mongrel Greens.”
“We’ve long had, uhm,” said Marshall, head listing ever-so-slightly to the left. “We’ve long had, uhmmmm….mmmmm.”
Vice President Graeme Peters tapped Marshall on the shoulder, awakening him, and handed him a large A3 cue card.
“Oh, we’ve long had, uhm,” continued Marshall. “We’ve long had issues with the Green Party and the Alliance more widely. We really don’t like that woman, that Jeanette Fitzsimmons, and so when Mr. Labour came by this morning and said, let’s take back our territory, I said…”
A long pause followed.
Peters interrupted, taking the microphone.
“We’re in,” he said. “And with that, I give a very warm welcome to Chris Hipkins.”
Hipkins thanked the pair, before launching into a series of scathing remarks from behind two panes of bullet-proof glass.
“The Labour Party is not naive?” he said, a rising inflection accidentally turning it into a question. “We know the Green Party sought to intimidate us by showing off their muscle last week. But we want to send a message: we have our own. We know the Mongrel Mob are no stranger to Grey Power. Though they may be a minority, they have never laid down.”
With Marshall asleep behind him on the floor, Hipkins announced that Grey Power had agreed to travel South to Wellington with Labour Party members and MPs, and challenged the Greens and the Mongrel Mob to meet them on Parliament grounds at 4pm.
As Hipkins and his team made their way to Wellington via plane early this afternoon, he was tapped on the shoulder by his campaign manager, Beth Houston.
“Chris, sorry to interrupt,” she said. “We may have made a mistake.”
“Oh?”
“It’s Black Power.”
“No, I think it’s Grey Power,” responded Hipkins.
“No, I mean, Black Power is the rival gang. To the Mongrel Mob.”
“Ohhhhh,” said Hipkins, nodding. “Well that makes a lot more sense.”
“I think we should call this off,” she said.
“Well we can’t back down now,” he insisted. “I’ll look stupid.”
Houston closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before quietly returning to her seat, and staring blankly into the headrest in front of her.
“For what it’s worth, I told him we should’ve started our own gang,” said Kieran McAnulty, campaign chair, who was seated next to her. “What we really need is something with a long and storied history, fixed membership, paid dues, mostly men, working class with plenty of muscle and fully integrated into the party. Though it’s hard to imagine where we’re going to find that.”
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon was eager to take Hipkins to task on today’s stunt, telling media that it was exactly what he’d predicted from Labour.
“Well what did I just say to you?” he asked. “It’s not just the Greens, it’s not just Te Pāti Māori. This is who Labour and their mates are. They’re for the gangs, and what we’re saying is, the only gang we want people joining is the New Zealand National Party.”
Those remarks drew the ear of Police, who are making enquiries with the National Party about exactly what the Prime Minister meant when he referred to running a gang.
“We do take this very seriously,” said Police Commissioner Richard Chambers. “When the Prime Minister says he’s running a gang, we don’t discriminate. A gang’s a gang, and I’ve communicated pretty clearly to that organisation that all its patches and imagery are going to have to come down while we look into this.
“I understand there are literally thousands and thousands of patches on display on signs all across the country, and on vests and jackets and that sort of thing.”
Chambers said Police were also investigating around 40 homicides reported on Parliament grounds this afternoon, most of the victims elderly.