The year is 2026…
Quite literally, it is 2026. It’s election time. And it’s not looking good, folks.
Newshub is dead. Stuff is broke. The Herald is mostly paywalled. TVNZ lost Dallow. Radio New Zealand is like visiting your grandparents. The Spinoff? Well, god bless their sweet little hearts.
There is only one news organisation who can carry this election, and the wealth of other news twirling around the country and the world and possibly outer space. And that’s your local Facebook community group.
But also, there’s The Civilian.
For over a decade, we’ve been there when news breaks. We were there when North Korea threatened to nuke New Zealand. We were there when the America’s Cup all went sideways. We were there when John Key ate a kiwi on live television. We were there that one time you were all struggling to masturbate to Len Brown. We were there when Donald Trump was elected. We were there when they couldn’t get Andrew Little’s face off the moon. We were there when Simon Bridges told us what we care about. We were there when Covid struck. And by golly, we were NOT there when Trump was elected the second time. You have to forgive us that one.
But now, at the turn of the century, if you count centuries beginning in 27 AD, we have returned.
Because we have a duty.
There’s a lot in store. The website looks different. Frankly, it’s shitter, because coding is for dorks like Claude. We’d rather write. We’d rather report. We’d rather speculate irresponsibly.
And things will improve slowly in time. The website will gradually be repopulated with old stories, so that every week, we can together take a look back at the news events of the past.
And what would election year be without The Civilian’s famous election tracker? You may remember in 2017 we pioneered a state of the art, rigorously scientific model that accurately predicted total chaos.
We’ll be bringing that back, though in a different form, and we’d like your sincere input on what you’d like to see in an election tracker.
Until then, enjoy the news, while you still can. Because it’s important. Because you have a duty to be informed.
Welcome to The Civilian 26: News from the Present Day.